Today’s one of those Fridays that calls for a change of pace. How many of you are familiar with the German word witzelsucht, (pronounced vitzel-zukht). I didn’t think so. I’d never heard of it either until I started reading up on the history of puns as a form of humor recently. Then I received an e-mail from a friend that contained the first ten puns in the group I’m presenting here today for no reason in my own mind other than the fact that that I do find this sort of humor to be invariably funny.
The 26th edition of Stedman’s Medical Dictionary, on the other hand, defines this fascination with the humor genre as “… a morbid tendency to pun, make poor jokes and tell pointless stories while being oneself inordinately entertained thereby.” Well, la-d-da! If that’s how you’re going to be, I say, “Stick it, Stedman! You’re getting in the way of all the fun!”
Here are twelve elaborately wonderful groaners for your coming weekend pleasure. WIsh I could attribute authorship to these to their creators, but I cannot. And that’s another thing about memorable puns. They all seem to rapidly loosen their moorings to any original port and slip forever into the waters of oceanic appreciation:
1. King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates , the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. Croesus said, “I’ll give you 100,000 dinars for it.” “But I paid a million dinars for it,” the King protested. “Don’t you know who I am? I am the king!” Croesus replied, “When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are.”
An apple a day won't keep the flaming arrows away.
2. Conclusive evidence has been found to confirm that William Tell and his entire archery-addicted family were also hooked into an every Monday night Geneva association as avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all of the Swiss league records were destroyed in a monster fire, … and so … we’ll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
"Has your address or insurance changed since your last doctor's appointment?"
3. A man rushed into a busy doctor’s office and shouted, “Doctor! I think I’m shrinking!” The doctor calmly responded, “Now, settle down. You’ll just have to be a little patient.”
"We're coming up on the state line, honey? How old did you say you were?"
4. A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day, his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with…transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.
"Should I pull the trigger or not?"
5. Back in the 1800’s the Tate’s Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products, and since they already made these fine cases for watches, they used them to produce compasses. The new compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California . This, of course, is the origin of the expression ,… “He who has a Tate’s is lost!”
6. A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets and urinals, leaving no clues. A spokesperson for the police investigating team was quoted as saying, “We have absolutely nothing to go on.”
"You gotta start off each day with a thong ..." - Jimmy Durante
7. An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, “The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on.”
If you look beyond the numbers, you may come up with an extra census-read perception.
8. A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely, saying, “I must have taken Leif off my census.”
Go figure.
9. There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippo skin had twin boys. This just goes to prove that … the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.
10. A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal Brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the Brujo looked eehim in the eye and said, “Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don’t need enemas.”
The Rain in Spain ...
11. Once upon a time, actor John Wayne was on a plane for Madrid with crew and cast to make an action movie. There was a lot of drinking going on and a lot of kidding about the dangers of drinking too much in some of the hilly areas they would be filling. Wayne assured one at all that he would be OK on the trail, but as he rose from his seat for a pit stop before landing, he caught his foot and went crashing down in the aisle. Arising quickly, the Duke stayed on subject with this now famous actual quote: “Well, what do you know? It seems as though “the – Wayne in Spain – falls mainly on the plane.”
Mel Famous, Pitcher, 1969 St. Louis Cardinals
12. A few years ago, the St. Louis Cardinals had a fireballing right-handed relief pitcher named Mel Famous. Unfortunately, Mel had a real thirst for Budweiser beer whenever he got into a personal pinch or tough game situation. The problem came up big time in a 1969 game at the Astrodome. With the game tied at 2-2 in the bottom of the 9th, with the bases loaded and two outs, and the Astros batting, Houston sent up lefty Norm Miller as a pinch hitter for pitcher Larry Dierker. Sweating beads and making excuses about a broken shoelace, Cardinal pitcher Famous ducked quickly off the field, ostensibly to fix the lace, but actually to down a quick six-pack of Bud in the clubhouse tunnel before hustling back out to face Miller. Back on the mound, Famous quickly walked Norm Miller on four pitches, forcing in the winning run for a 3-2 Astros victory. Word got around among the players about Mel’s real reason for the previous quick timeout. From that moment forward, Norm Miller could never see a bottle or can of Bud without uttering these immortal words, “Budweiser! Why that’s the beer that made Mel Famous walk me.”
Houston, Baseball, & Other Musings.
The Pecan Park Eagle 