What If the Maltese Falcons Took on the Pats?

Official Helmet Logo Of The Maltese Falcons Featuring Sam Spade Falcons Coach & QB

Official Helmet Logo
Of
The Maltese Falcons
Featuring Sam Spade
Falcons Coach & QB

Let’s presume to stretch reality a bit this morning – and why not? It’s Super Bowl Sunday, the annual NFL Day that always attempts to stretch the bejabbers out the ordinary, while once-in-awhile succeeding, but too often showing up with a Super Bowl game that is as ordinary and ugly-boring that it is more prone to causer second advertisers to wince and think twice about television advertising next year.

Our expedited offering suggests a minor number of three large ban reality changes that will guarantee “extraordinary” results on an annual basis: (1) Change the name of the game to the Super Bird Bowl Game. Why? Because most birds fly; they do not flounder; (2) Limit the NFL team participation in this new bowl structure to one team only; and (3) allow Hollywood to construct an opposing team each year, based upon some kind of classic movie – with the movie characters themselves filling all rolls as players and coaches of the Tinseltown entry.

Since it’s a little late to have the Atlanta Falcons and the New England Patriots play today’s regular Super Bowl to determine the new Super Bird Bowl game and then play this new game this same day, we are going to start with a big stretch and ask Atlanta to step aside and allow New England to take on the team role for the NFL as the opposition to the club that the Hollywood Game Committee has selected as their appropriate replacement foe, in deference to the Atlanta sacrifice – and in exchange for pledging the ghost of all these movie characters to the future success of the Atlanta Falcons in all ways possible to movie characters..

At 5:30 PM today, the Maltese Falcons will show up to play the New England Patriots in Super Bird Bowl I. Look for the results story in tomorrow’s Pecan Park Eagle.

Meanwhile, here’s a brief pictorial on how the Maltese Falcons got themselves organized for the challenge in their rooms at the Lancaster Hotel in downtown Houston over the past 24 hours.

"The front office suits have asked us to represent our town in the ist Super Bird Bowl this weekend against the Pats and - by damn - we are going to do it. I kid you not!" - Sam Spade

“The front office suits have asked us to represent our town in the 1st Super Bird Bowl this weekend against the Pats and – by damn – we are going to do it. I kid you not!” – Sam Spade

 

"Now listen up, Birds. This is the trophy we get to keep, if we win today. I you don't recognize it, you haven't been paying much attention to all that's been happening since made "The Maltese Falcon" back in 1941." Sam Spade

“Now listen up, Birds. This is the trophy we get to keep, if we win today. If you don’t recognize it, you haven’t been paying much attention to all that’s been happening since we made ‘The Maltese Falcon’ back in 1941.” – Sam Spade

 

"Surely, you don't think that I, of all people, are that misinformed, do you, Mr. Spade?" - Kasper Gutman

“Surely, you don’t think that I, of all people, are that misinformed, do you, Mr. Spade?” – Kasper Gutman

 

"I suspect everyone, Gutman! .... And by the way, don't call me shirley!" - Sam Spade

“I suspect everyone, Gutman! …. And by the way, don’t call me Shirley!” – Sam Spade

 

"I'd like to use you as our kicker, sweetheart, but you gotta cut me a break here. Whn we mad this movie back in 1941, guys like me didn't have room in their brains for kicking shoes that came with high heels." - Sam Spade

“I’d like to use you as our kicker, sweetheart, but you gotta cut me a break here. When we made this movie back in 1941, guys like me didn’t have room in their brains for kicking shoes that came with high heels. – Can’t you just stay sexy, maybe lead a few cheers. Something like that?” – Sam Spade

 

"It says here in his report: "pat have great QB and coach.' - You mean the Pats shots you for reporting thiss news to me? Hell, we lost you for goog, but the Pats wasted a perfectly good bullet!" - Sam Spade, remarking on his dying spy Pats scout.

“It says here in his report: ‘Pats have great QB and coach.’ – You mean the Pats shot you for reporting this n0-news to me? Hell, we lost you for good here, but the Pats wasted a perfectly good bullet!” – Sam Spade, remarking on his dying spy Pats scout.

 

"Wilmer, what are you soing sitting here in the lobby of the Lancaster reading the sports pages? I told you to get over to NRG and let the air out of Brady's balls as a payback. Now it's too late. Better watch out for a telegram thys afternoon!" - Sam Spade

“Wilmer, what are you doing here in the lobby of the Lancaster, just  reading the sports pages? I told you to get over to NRG and let the air out of Brady’s balls as a general payback. Now it’s too late. Better watch out for a telegram this afternoon. I don’t like disappointments.” – Sam Spade

 

"Your services have been traded to the Cleveland Browns for $500 and a bucket of deflated footballs." - (Telegram to WIlmer Cook from Coach Spade))

“Your services have been traded to the Cleveland Browns for $500 and a bucket of deflated footballs.” – Telegram to Wilmer Cook from Coach Spade

 

"Gutman, I need you on the o-line to give me 5-7 seconds time to throw into the Pats' defense. You're so big that I also plan to use you on defense somewhere. Can you handle it?" - Sam Spade

“Gutman, I need you on the o-line to give me 5-7 seconds time to throw into the Pats’ defense. You’re so big that I also plan to use you on defense somewhere. Can you handle the double duty?” – Sam Spade

 

"Mr. Spade, take all the time you need to get us a win over the Pats today. They won't get by me. - Kasper Gutman, offensive right guard for the Maltese Falcons.

“Mr. Spade, take all the time you need to get us a win over the Pats today. They won’t get by me. – Kasper Gutman, offensive right guard for the Maltese Falcons.

 

"The Pats won't get past our defense either. Watch out, Mr. Brrady, here we come.Brady, here we come!" - Kasper Gutman, Middle Linebacker for the Maltese Falcons.

“The Pats won’t get past our defense either. Watch out, Mr. Brady, here we come!” – Kasper Gutman, Middle Linebacker for the Maltese Falcons.

 

"Look at my phone, Cairo. That's the 40-Bleed Right pass zi threw you this morning in practice. You went left and we missed n uncovered TD. Cant do that in the game today. got it?" - Sam Spade to WR Joel Cairo. at lunch Sunday.

“Look at my phone, Cairo. That’s the 40-Bleed Right pass I threw you this morning in practice. You went left and we missed an uncovered TD! – And don’t ever wear that bow tie with your Falcons uniform. again. It makes you look like a sissy!” – Sam Spade to WR Joel Cairo. at lunch Sunday.

 

"You don't want to hear the truth, Mr. Spade. Bow ties are for sissie. They are cool! If you don't want to be taken for a sissy, why don't you stop bogarting those chorus girl cigarette and get you some Cuban cigars. SOgies are the coice of real men like Al Capone. - Did you even know that? - Joel Cairo, defending himself against the words of Sam Spade.

“You don’t want to hear the truth, Mr. Spade. Bow ties are not for sissies. They are cool! If you don’t want to be taken for a sissy, why don’t you stop bogarting those chorus girl cigarettes and get you some Cuban cigars. Stogies are the choice of real men – men like Al Capone. – Did you even know that? – Joel Cairo, defending himself against the words of Sam Spade as he also uses his on lighted showgirler as a pointer.

 

"Stuff it Cairo, and just get you mind ready to have the first heroic day of your weasel life. In the meanwhile, keep your trap shut. You don't want me to attach this "stuff that drems are mde of" trophy to a part of your body that will make it hard for you to go long for anything!." - Sam Spade in a calm and delivered response to Cairo's comments.

“Stuff it, Cairo, and just get your mind ready to have the first heroic day of your weasel life. In the meanwhile, keep your trap shut. You don’t want me to attach this “stuff that dreams are made of” trophy to a part of your body that will make it hard for you to go fast and long for anything!.” – Sam Spade in a calm and delivered response to Cairo’s rejoinder to Sam’s first personal comment.

 

"I borrowed the Super Bird Trophy last night so we Falcons could also squeeze a few extra bucks from cheap knock-off copies bucks could have a few knock-0ff could make a few extra bucks from the sale of overnight knock-off copies we hoped to have made by a slimy friend. Sad to say, he misplaced it and I went over help him find it after lunch. We finally located it two hours later, but it was then too lates to make the copies." _ Sam Spade

“I borrowed the Super Bird Trophy last night so we Falcons could also squeeze a few extra bucks from cheap knock-off copies we planned to have made by a slimy carnival friend. Sad to say, he misplaced it and I went over to help him find it after lunch. We finally located it two hours later, but it was then too late to make the copies.” – Sam Spade

 

It’s late Sunday afternoon, Feb. t, 2016.  Almost time for the first annual Super Bird Bowl I at NRG Stadium in Houston. Hope you have time to tune in tomorrow for the results of the big game. And don’t be confused by the stories you also read about on the Internet and in the newspapers. These sources are contractually required to report the results of Super Bowl Li – even though no actual game between the Atlanta Falcons and the New England Patriots will be played today.

The Maltese Falcons and the New England Patriots are another reality matter altogether – and the Pecan Park Eagle will be your exclusive source for information on that Sunday game sometime on Monday.

Stayed tuned.

____________________

eagle-0range
 Bill McCurdy

Publisher, Editor, Writer

The Pecan Park Eagle

Houston, Texas

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2 Responses to “What If the Maltese Falcons Took on the Pats?”

  1. materene Says:

    How about the Patriots taking on A Bridge Too Far ? One week practicing for the Patriots is not enough to change climate and all of us southerners should know about that no matter how old each of us are, none of us have ever got regulated to our humidity and heat, and today is one of those days. My worst personal attributes have been choosing bad women and bad football teams, but I’m a man and I say Atlanta will cross the bridge with plenty of room left ;0)

  2. Maltese Falcons Come Close, But No Cigar | The Pecan Park Eagle Says:

    […] Astros, Baseball History, and other Musings of Heart and Humor « What If the Maltese Falcons Took on the Pats? […]

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