The Monster Team Nine.

"If you can't stretch for a few of my wild and hairy throws to first base, I'm going for the jugular!"

For want of a better Monday morning idea this week, here’s my Monster Club Baseball Nine. All those days at the Avalon Theatre armed me hard and fast for days like today.

Pitcher: Count Dracula. Biggest Assets: (1) Knows how to handle bats. (2) When everything is at stake, you will find his heart where it needs to be. Biggest Drawbacks: (1) Never available for day games. (2) When he gets knocked out of the box, he really gets knocked out of the box.

Catcher: The Thing from Another World. Biggest Asset: Possessing the vegetative body of an alien carrot, he has nothing to fear from proximity to his blood-hungry battery mate. Biggest Drawback: Tends to strike base runners with the back of his open right hand at the cost of ignoring the out tag with his ball-clutched glove hand.

First Base: The Frankenstein Monster. Biggest Asset: Plays with an extra charge of enthusiasm and power in games that follow rain-outs from thunderstorms. Biggest Drawback: Bad relations and misunderstandings with teammates are blamed on his poor communication skills.

Second Base: The Wolfman. Biggest Asset: Facial expressions are given credit for stopping baserunners from even trying to steal second base. Biggest Drawback: Only available to play once in a blue moon.

Third Base: The Wicked Witch of Oz. Biggest Asset: Doesn’t monkey around with batters who attempt to bunt their way safe with dribblers down the line. She’ll get you, you pretty fast base runners, and your little dog too. You may as well surrender to the idea of either holding back or swinging away. Biggest Drawback: She’s only good to go til it rains.

Shortstop: The Blob. Biggest Asset: No shortstop in history ever covered more ground. Biggest Drawbacks: (1) He is stuck on himself and anyone else who comes along. (2) He’s best known to his frustrated teammates as “the place where relay throws go to die.”

Left Field: Godzilla. Biggest Asset: Hits the long ball fifty times farther than McGwire, Sosa, or Bonds, and with no questions raised about his ‘roids use. Biggest Drawbacks: (1) Property damage judgments against him and the team for destruction caused simply by his ordinary game day walks to and from the ballpark  have destroyed the club’s profit edge. (2) Club has to bear the extra cost of paying for his Japanese translator.

Center Field: The Mummy. Biggest Asset: No need for expensive sun block lotions. Biggest Drawback: His snail-like locomotion is an issue. No game is ever considered “under wraps” with “Da Mum” on patrol in the huge central pasture of the outfield. In fact, any ball hit past The Mummy will routinely convert to either a four-base error or an inside-the-park home run.

Right Field: Bernie Madoff. Biggest Asset: His teammates trust him. Biggest Drawback: His teammates trust him.

That’s it for today. Maybe I’ll get serious tomorrow. Maybe I won’t.

Have a great week, everybody!

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