An Imaginary Baseball Theme Horse Race Musical

“….and down the stretch they come!!!”

 

Once Upon a Fictional Eve, in a variation of our own three-dimensional Houston, a place known in its own warp-of-time setting as Houstonia is preparing for its own true version of the fourth great American horse race – The Houstonia Baseball Memorial at Crawford Avenue Downs. Each first June Saturday, The Houstonia Baseball Memorial features the best eight horses in the world with names that wreak of great baseball history. This year, at 3:00 PM on Saturday, June 3, 2017, the field will include these great ones:

 #1/8 Great Balls of Four

Owner: Bill Veeck of St. Louis, MO

Trainer: Zach Taylor

Jockey: Eddie Gaedel

Notes: Short on experience. Short period.

Morning Line: 25-1

 

#3 Sultan of Swat

Owner: Jacob Ruppert of New York, NY

Trainer: Ed Barrow

Jockey: Miller Huggins

Notes: Responds poorly to swats.

Morning Line: 3-1

 

#5 Five Not So Easy Pieces

Owner: Joe DiMaggio

Trainers: Baseball, Life, Marilyn Monroe,

Fan Adulation, and His Own Exalted Ego

Jockey: Joe DiMaggio

Notes: Greatest living player in his own mind.

Morning Line: 75-1

 

#10 Cuba Carrot Cap Cool

Owner: The Houston Astros

Trainer: A.J. Hinch

Jockey: Yuli Gurriel

Notes: Wearing cap, he’s age 33. Without cap, he’s 13.

Morning Line: 15-1

 

#13 Sacrifice Fly

Owner: Jeff Goldblum of Sleepy Hollow, NY

Trainer: Washington Irving

Jockey: Ichabod Crane

Notes: Often loses head; gives up too much.

Morning Line: 70-1

 

#24 Toy Cannon

Owner: Jimmy Wynn of Rosharon, TX

Trainer: Jimmy Wynn

Jockey: Jimmy Wynn

Notes: Exploding from the gate, the rest is fate.

Morning Line: 2-1

 

#29 Human Rain Delay

Owner: Mike Hargrove of Perryton, TX

Trainer: Mike Hargrove

Jockey: Mike Hargrove

Notes: Time, Ump. Gotta scratch.

Morning Line: 5-9

 

#33 The Great Scott

Owner: Drayton McLane of Temple, TX

Trainer: Roger Craig

Jockey: Mike Scott

Notes: The horse that split-fingered the world.

Morning Line: 3-5

Fortunately, we were able to retain three of the musical race touts at Sam Houston Race Track to rap a little “Fugue for the Tinhorns” recommendation for whom we should pick in this race for the ages.

If you know the music from “Guys and Dolls”, you will also know exactly how each of their picks sounds as a sung and sold chorus on the favorites of these three characters of the sub-culture.

We’ll let the boys serenade you from here as we hurry as best we can for our nightly reality check in time at the OK Corral Hotel.

Where’s that place, you ask? Why it’s down at the end of Lonely Street in Houstonia – very near the track – and the only place we ever stay whenever we choose to warp over to our beautiful sister city for events like the big June 3rd race.

We’ll leave things at that for now and turn things over to the boys that want to sing you into picking the big race winner. We’ll catch you down the road.

Some other time. Some other road.

“Fugue for the Tinhorns”

 NICELY-NICELY:

I got the horse right here
He says it’s “Cannon” clear
And he’s a guy that says if the weather’s clear
Can do, can do, this guy says the “Toy” can do
If he says the horse can do, can do, can do.

 BENNY:

I’m pickin’ “29”, ’cause on the morning line
A guy has got him figured at five to nine
Has chance, has chance, this guy says the horse has chance
if he says the horse has chance, has chance, has chance.

RUSTY CHARLIE:

My good friend, Epitaph, touts Scott by more than half
According to this here in the Telegraph
“Big Threat” – “Big Threat”
This guy calls “Great Scott” – “Big Threat”
If he calls the horse “Big Threat”,
Big Threat, Big Threat.

ALL:

Toy Cannon! …. Human Rain Delay! …. Great Scott!

We got your winning HORSE …. RIGHT …. HERE!!!

____________________


Bill McCurdy

Publisher, Editor, Writer

The Pecan Park Eagle

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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