Take Me Out of the “Pol” Game

  • No pitcher would ever
Take Me Out of the Pol Game ~ Dr. Ben Carson

Take Me Out of the Pol Game
~ Dr. Ben Carson

Another wonderful suggestion by the always informed and entertaining contributor, Darrell Pittman, landed at The Pecan Park Eagle yesterday, Saturday morning, and it carried with it a double impact. It has provided us with an entertaining historical footnote from the State of Pennsylvania about the 1937 initiation of a political baseball game, a “pol-game”, by our way of thinking, if you please, but one that sprang from a base of meritorious need and purpose. – It also spurred the writing of today’s column take on this year’s political debate candidates and their own adventures in a fictional baseball game played yesterday on the White House south lawn.

Political Debates? Politicians stage cruel, often juvenile, unforgiving, and relentlessly expressed ones. If that’s really the case, let’s allow our politicians to have some playful outlet contact too. Nothing’s more fun than baseball, even if it altogether doesn’t in itself answer these questions about politicians and their relationships with work and play.

When politicians say terribly condemning and doom-loaded things about each other in a campaign, do they always really mean them – or are they just trying to bring the other candidate down for the sake of getting themselves elected? Is that really work for career politicians – or is that simply their form of public display – the kind that often does not get in the way of the same adversaries sleeping and eating together at night – and sucking together at the same big special interest money sources every fine morning that their mail or direct bank deposits arrive?

That reality baseball game back in 1937 Pennsylvania proposed a contest between the single and married members of the State House of Representatives, with the losers buying dinner for the winners at a first-class restaurant – and expressly not at a place called “Peanut Joe’s,” a referentially cheap hash-house, implicitly located in the Capitol of Harrisburg, PA. No follow-up note was found to confirm that the game was actually won – or even played.

Would a baseball game today between the Republican Red State Elephants and the Democratic Blue State Donkeys, each led by their various presidential candidates, be an activity of play – or would the Pols find a way to turn it into work? You decide.

Based upon the simulation game we moments ago ran in our mind, the red-clad Elephants and the blue-clad Donkeys just finished such a game on the south lawn of the White House. Since the Dems control the Executive Branch, for now, the Donkeys got to play as the home team. Donald Trump, the heralded schoolboy athlete, pitched the whole nine innings for the “Dumbos,” while Hillary Clinton hearkened back to her ancient experience with the Whitewater Backlashers to go all the way on the mound for the “Asses.”

It was battle of Titans, but one that ended in frustration when the Dems rallied for 5 runs in the bottom of the 9th to force a 9-9 tie in a game that had to be called as such due to darkness. The decision to call the game was made by home plate umpire Barack Obama. When asked by Pitcher Trump why the White House ground lights could not be turned on to allow the game to continue until a winning team conclusion could be reached, Obama gave this answer: “When you guys asked me to umpire your game, I made it clear that I would divorce myself completely from all my presidential powers in the interest of assuring neutrality in this matter. Turning on the lights would be a violation of that commitment. – Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and be careful where you walk as you are leaving the grounds. It’s getting awfully dark out here without our normal lighting.”


The Post Game Press Conference

After this unusual and mostly unsatisfying conclusion, both teams, their entourages, close fans, and the media all retired a few blocks away to Willard’s Hotel for a previously agreed upon post-game press conference that aired on FOX, with moderators Megyn Kelly and Bill O’Reilly.

Here’s a sample of the major questions and answers provided:

(1) Q – Kelly: “Mr. Trump, do you think it was fair of President Obama to refuse lighting the grounds so the game could be played out to a decisive conclusion?”

A – Trump: “I don’t think it was fair, pretty lady, but few things in life are fair these days, sweetheart! … Uh, Megyn, Baby … what are you looking at? … Are you listening to all my deep thoughts … or are you watching the flow of my enormous hands?”

(2) Q – O’Reilly: “Mrs. Clinton, you don’t seem to be taking Umpire Obama’s actions to heart! – Your “Asses” made a fine rally to tie it all up in the 9th, but they didn’t win. Doesn’t that bother you at all that Obama’s decision about the ground lights cost your club a potential win – just when you had all the momentum going your way?”

 A – Clinton: “Not really, Bill. If you have been paying any attention to my campaign at all, you would know that I already think that America is still great – and that what we really need is to re-discover the joy of working together toward a common goal – and what better way to do that in baseball than to stop the game while the score was still tied. A tie gives both teams a small taste of victory and a lesser taste of defeat. In the tie game, we Dems get to feel a little progress on our way to making all Americans happy and taken care of – while the “Dumbos” sort of get to feel that they’ve made progress on their way to protecting the super rich on the backs of the rest of us again.”

(3) Q – O’Reilly: Mrs. Clinton, do you ever lie?”

A – Clinton: “I don’t think so, Bill. I always try not to lie. … Although I may have been lying to Harry Reed today. After he made 9 errors in right field, I told him that I thought that he could have done better. I may have been fibbing a little on that one, but when it comes to personal feelings, I always prefer a little bend on the truth to the truth itself. After all, as President of the United States, I don’t really want to hurt anyone else’s feelings. And, as for today, I’m making sure that even Harry Reed gets a participation trophy that is a dead ringer for MLB’s Golden Glove Award.”

(4) Q – Kelly: “Mrs. Clinton, you are aware, or are you not, that, if elected, you will become the first female President in the History of the United States?”

A – Clinton: “Thank you for telling me that, Megyn. I’ve been too busy serving the people to keep up with whatever my place in history may turn out to be.”

(5) Q – Kelly: “Mr. Cruz, four times today, you hit opposite field singles to right field that went through the legs of that Ass right fielder, Harry Reed. I actually have three questions here: (a) Were you trying to avoid left field? Nancy Pelosi was out there most of the game and, as we all know, a lot gets by her too. (b) Wouldn’t she also have been a good weak spot to pick on? And (c) Everybody wants to know the answer to this one. – You could have reached 3rd base or even home on all four of Reed’s errors. – Why on earth did you always stop at first?”

A – Cruz: “Megyn, as I think you well know, what you see in me is always what you get. I’m to the “right” on everything. I wouldn’t hit to “left” if Stephen Hawking was playing left field – and – as for my four singles, that’s all I would ever earn on my own, if my full-time job was playing baseball. See, I can get to first by running to my right. Going further than first on a ball I may have hit would require me to make up to three left turns – and that will never happen with me. If I’m on first, however, and someone else draws a walk, an HBP, or otherwise puts the ball in play for a hit or error, I can run as far as I can get because the burden is now off me. I didn’t hit the ball. Somebody else did. Same goes for wild pitches, passed balls, catcher interference calls, or bad throws by anybody trying to pick me off base. I am free to go on those misplays too. – On my own, however, I am forever a right-turn only guy. As such, no team would ever catch me even trying to steal – and that fact in itself is a pretty classy comment on true right wing conservatives. – We don’t steal.”

(6) Q – O’Reilly: “Mr. Rubio, when you came to bat in the top of the 9th, your Dumbos team had a 9-4 lead, with nobody out and the bases loaded. It was great time for you to put the game on ice, but you seemed too distracted by the argument you were having with a fan behind the backstop to even notice. As a direct result, Mrs. Clinton was able to hit your bat while you were standing legally in the box, but looking behind you and yelling at the fan – as you also flailed the bat in the air. We’re now sure how Hillary managed to hit the bat for an infield nubber back to the mound, but we do know that she’s had a lot of experience dealing with men who have plenty of crooked moves. This time her efforts were good for a 1-2-3-5 triple play that killed the runs that would have squelched the Ass team rally in the bottom of the 9th that tied the game and left everyone but Mrs. Clinton unhappy. In brief, you probably cost your team in the top of the 9th. – What was going on, sir, and what does your vulnerability to distraction say about your fitness for being the POTUS?”

A – Trump (Speaking before Rubio can answer O’Reilly’s question): “Little Marco’s a lightweight, Bill! – And, as far as distractibility is concerned, he’s got the biggest ears I’ve ever seen.”

Rubio: “You’re mean to me!”

Trump: “No, I’m not!”

Rubio: “YES! YOU! ARE!”

(7) Q – Kelly: “Governor Christie, how could you turn around and throw your support to Mr. Trump after all of the bad things you’ve both said about each other before your lack of support made it obvious to you that you needed to drop out of the race?”

A – Christie: “That’s easy, Ms. Kelly, this is politics. I picked up a few expenses in my own failed bid and figured it was time to hitch my wagon to the rising new party star. Maybe Mr. Trump can help me get out of debt – and maybe even find a place for me to serve in his cabinet, if he’s elected. In the meanwhile, positioning me behind “The Donald” when he makes new speeches kills two birds with one stone. – I am a visual reminder of what his campaign hopes the voters will view as the building, turning political tide of bandwagon support for Trump – and, yeah, I also look like a bodyguard!”

(8) Q – O’Reilly: “Mr. Bush – JEB! – if you prefer, what was the deal in the top of the 7th? Why did you try stealing home from 3rd base while riding on the back of a 140 year old Galapagos turtle?”

A – JEB!: “Well, I figured I didn’t have the speed to make it on my own – and – even if it did turn into an easy put out of me, I do want to try that turtle ride again. – WHEE – it was fun – fast fun!”

(9) Q – Kelly: “Governor Kasich, aside from your fine play at first base for the Dumbos today, how do you feel about the campaign news that you’ve actually taken the lead from Donald Trump on this same day of primary voting in Michigan?

A – Kasich: “Ms. Kelly, I’ve been telling everyone to watch out for my presence in the race once we got into the primary voting by northern states – and Michigan just proves my point. If a state that calls the University of Michigan home will vote for the Governor of the state that serves as home to “The” Ohio State University – in preference to Donald Trump – then watch out, America, this race isn’t over til it’s over – and we are not about to settle for a tie as our conclusion in this one!”

(10) Q – O’Reilly: “Mr. Sanders, as the shortstop for eight – and far left fielder in relief of Potosi in the 9th, what do you take away from the game today, including the fact that the game was forced to stop as a tie due to darkness because of “Umpire” Obama’s decision not to turn on the lights at The White House south lawn? And why did you play left field with both feet as far left as possible, with left foot kicking right, and on the line?”

A – Sanders: “I’ll take the last part first since it’s the easiest. I played on the left field line simply because that was as far left as I could go! Another inch left and I would have been in foul territory by today’s rules. – That’s a rule that needs to be liberalized, by the way. As for the game itself, it made me think about the big money that big leaguers are making – and their own need for revolution. Look! The richest big leaguers get millions a year, whereas, the poor rookies have to work for about $500,000 a year! – True, the rookies are getting paid more than 100% of all American wage earners of any age – and more than 98% of all other young people, except for the NFL and NBA youngsters – and certain others, like singer Taylor Swift – but you get my point. – Every player in MLB should get paid the same, regardless of any differences in playing ability or time on the field – just to make things fair. As for the tie in our game today – I saw it as prophetic. The day has to come when there are no losers. And the only way to honor that truth is to make sure that every American citizen – and every immigrant who gets here – however they get here – has the same opportunity. All people are equally valuable – whether they are out there searching for a cure to cancer – or just staying home drinking a few beers as they watch Days of Our Lives all week. – When I become the POTUS, it will be both my job and my honor to do everything that’s possible to get us there to that all-fair status.”

(11) Q – Kelly: “Dr. Carson, we don’t have much time left tonight, but could you take us to the top of the news hour with a simple explanation of why you even came today. You dropped out of the race only a few days ago – with a hopelessly low percentage of voter support overall – and yet – you show up today – and then refuse to play in the game. – Can you tell us what that’s all about?”

A – Carson: “I will be most happy to tell you, Ms. Kelly. I only came today – and did what I did – because I knew you would later have to ask me precisely the question you have just posed. I will answer with my own singing parody of ‘Take Me Out to The Ball Game:”

Take me out of the Pol Game,

Take me out of the crowd!

Grant me some Soul Peace in great big sacks,

I don’t care – if I ne-ver-come-back!

I’ll still root, Root, ROOT for my country,

If the Pols bring it down that’s our shame!

Should be ONE! … TWO! … THREE lies they’re out,

Or we’re ALL – TO – BLAME!


Political Postscript: It took me way too long to figure this one political wisdom out, but, once I got it, it made it hard for me to trust what almost any political candidate says:

In politics, it’s not who they know that allows an ambitious politician to get ahead. – It’s what they know about who they know that becomes their sociopathic bargaining chip.

Dr. Ben Carson was not a politician. He was a gentleman and a scholar who cared about his country.


 eagle-0range Bill McCurdy

Publisher, Editor, Writer

The Pecan Park Eagle

Houston, Texas










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