Consolations to the Houston Texans

Head in Hands

Fast on the heels of their final defeat  and 30-0 ouster from the 2015 post-season NFL playoffs, The Pecan Park Eagle offers a final few words of disingenuous consolation:

1.) Hang in there, Texans. You played the Chiefs even for all of ten seconds at the start of the game.

2.) You proved today beyond the shadow of a doubt that Brian Hoyer is not your quarterback of the future. His four  interceptions, his one fumble, his numerous over-thrown and under-thrown balls, and his two failures to produce points with the ball and first downs deep in the red zone all spoke to the NFL’s off-season topic in Houston over the next several months: How is Houston going to come up with a first class QB, and how much is “ASAP” even a remote time-table possibility?

3) Where do all those delusional battle-red painted, horned, and bearded Texan fans go until next August, when their next opportunities for these psychotic public displays at games of a compensatory need to make up for the absence of love, attention, passion, and color in their everyday lives is again restored to them on the stage that is NRG Stadium? – Corporate board room battles, auto sales, teaching, or even fixing pot holes don’t do it for them. In fact, no job in the world provides much of the same outlet needed for the fiery human egos of those who feel overlooked in the ordinary flow of things.

4)  To Texans Coach Bill O’Brien: Next time you have to pick between (a) a QB who knows all the plays, but executes none of them very well and (b) a QB who does a pretty good job of executing the few plays he does know, and with a stronger, more accurate arm, please give some thought to the (b) option.

5) To the Texan Players: As soon as the delusion clears that the Texans could possibly have hoped to reach the Super Bowl this year by proving themselves to be the team with the best marginal record in the NFL’s worst division, the ALC South, you will all be relieved to wake up to the biggest reality in each of your lives: You are each some of the wealthiest people in America – and few of you have to go back to work for months – or ever – depending, perhaps, on how much blame you get for today’s losing fiasco, or whether or not you find out later tonight that you are the only one holding the winning ticket in tonight’s near billion dollar Power Ball Lottery.

6) As they almost always said in Brooklyn and we most often say in Houston, “Wait’ll next year!”

____________________

disappointment-sign

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3 Responses to “Consolations to the Houston Texans”

  1. Wayne Roberts Says:

    Yes, and Clowney sure was a clown pick What a class act.

  2. Rick B. Says:

    Several words come to mind to describe the Texans’ performance today: pathetic, pestiferous, pitiful, poor, putrid.

    The English teacher in me had to have fun with this. What’s the pattern?

  3. Wayne Roberts Says:

    I’ve since heard that the ESPN report on which I based my opinion may not have fairly represented Clowney’s situation so I retract the statement above. However, in hindsight Clowney doesn’t appear at this time to have been better than several picked after him. Houston doesn’t seem to do well with it’s #1 picks. I think Mario Williams is out of the league now. I also recommend that a certain injury prone running back start eating meat; he’s not a cow and needs to toughen up with Clowney.

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