Seinfeld Says It All About Our “Stuff”

Jerry Seinfeld ~With Funny and Sage Thoughts on Stuff on the Day Of and After the Biggest Gift Day in Our American Culture ~

Jerry Seinfeld
~With Funny and Sage Thoughts on Stuff on the Day Of and After the Biggest Gift Day in Our American Culture ~

On the Tuesday night before Christmas 2014, 12/23, comedian Jerry Seinfeld did a stand up routine for Jimmy Fallon’s NBC Tonight Show that pretty much said it all about the “stuff” we accumulate in our homes, especially at Christmas time.  As you look around the room at your Christmas Haul, and at the Halls and Garages of Christmases Past, remember these words from the sage comedian prophet of Christmases Future that is the one and only Jerry Seinfeld:

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We have too may things. That’s the problem. There’s too many things. You have things. I have things. How many times do you want more things? I don’t like having too many things. I’m a “thrower-outer” That’s my personality type. I’m a “thrower-outer”. If I have something, I really don’t want it. I wish there was a store where I could just buy something, print it, and then just throw it down a chute into the incinerator, walk out, no bags. – That’s my perfect shopping experience.

Now my wife, of course, is the opposite. This is marriage. This is the beauty. The concept itself is the beauty of marriage. My wife is a “saver”. She’s a “keeper”. She grips and grabs. Everything is organized. Every Styrofoam peanut is numbered, cataloged, filed. I don’t throw anything out at any time.

“Where’s the wedding album?” (She asked)

“I thought you were done with it.” (I said.)

I was wrong. I admit that now. Those were special memories, and they’re gone now, but the point is this: All things on earth – only exist in different stages of becoming garbage. OK? Your home is a garbage processing center where you buy new things, bring them into your house, and, slowly crapify them over time. OK? This is your life.

Oh, you’re all excited when you get something, right? You bring it in. You open it on the kitchen table, the place of honor for the new arrival. You read the instructions, fill out the registration card. – You may even join the club of other idiots who have this thing. And then some time goes by – and it suddenly begins to dawn on you that maybe you’re not going to be quite so keen on drying out fruit and storing it in your basement as you thought. – So, what are you going to do? You have to demote it.

Objects start at the highest level, visible in a living area. From there, it goes down to a closet, cupboard, or drawer. That’s why we have those – so we don’t have to see all the huge mistakes we’ve made. That’s the way it is.

From the closet, it goes to the garage – one of the longest phases in trashification, but the most definite. – No object has ever made it out of the garage and back into the house.

The word “garage” seems to be a form of the word “garbage”. That’s what it is.

Once you are living in the same room with the garbage can, well, it won’t be much longer now.

Really, E-Bay is the only thing that can save the object at this point. E-Bay is another great step forward in modern culture. Hey! Why don’t we mail our garbage back and forth to each other? Why talk to your family at night when you could be bidding eight to ten dollars on a troll doll from Thailand? Or a personal storage unit – This is the saddest of all. Now, instead of free garbage, you pay rent to visit your garbage.

It’s like a prison visit when you go there, isn’t it? Everything is locked up; everything is rusted and broken; you gotta bust into that lock. You lift up that rolling steel door, (and you just want to say to your stuff): “Look, I’m trying to get you guys out of here, OK? I’m working on it. And I’ll be back to see you guys again soon.”

My point is simple: Everything is thrown out in the end. We, my friends, are thrown out in the end and, when I hear that someone has died and wants certain important possessions put in with them when they’re buried, I’m all for that.

Take your crap with you!

~ Jerry Seinfeld, The NBC Tonight Show, December 23, 2014.

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One Response to “Seinfeld Says It All About Our “Stuff””

  1. Helenann Lauber Says:

    Pretty funny. Kinda sad.
    Hope you had a great Christmas with Neal and Norma!
    Love,
    Helenann

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