Ode to a Troubled Rookie Pitcher

What if Max Patkin: sang advice to a drunk rookie free agent pitcher who showed up stewed for spring training? In my own thinking on things, I imagine it might go something like the following little diddy. (Sung to the melody of "The Christmas Song.")

 

Baseballs resting – in the morning sun,

Jack Dan dripping – from your nose;

Springtime trial – is your fat in the fire,

You best be grateful – I suppose.

 

Everybody knows – a turkey – in the starting “ro”,

Helps to make the season slight.

Hungry bats – with their eyes all aglow,

Will find it hard to sleep – tonight.

 

They know that hits – are on the way;

They’ve loaded lots of hope for big times – on this day;

And every motheroo – is going to try,

To see if they make – your fastball – flat fly.

 

And so – I’m offering – this simple phrase,

To kids – from one – to ninety-two,

Although it’s been said – many times – many ways,

“SOBER UP, KID – YOU’RE SCREWED.”

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