What if Max Patkin: sang advice to a drunk rookie free agent pitcher who showed up stewed for spring training? In my own thinking on things, I imagine it might go something like the following little diddy. (Sung to the melody of "The Christmas Song.")
Baseballs resting – in the morning sun,
Jack Dan dripping – from your nose;
Springtime trial – is your fat in the fire,
You best be grateful – I suppose.
Everybody knows – a turkey – in the starting “ro”,
Helps to make the season slight.
Hungry bats – with their eyes all aglow,
Will find it hard to sleep – tonight.
They know that hits – are on the way;
They’ve loaded lots of hope for big times – on this day;
And every motheroo – is going to try,
To see if they make – your fastball – flat fly.
And so – I’m offering – this simple phrase,
To kids – from one – to ninety-two,
Although it’s been said – many times – many ways,
“SOBER UP, KID – YOU’RE SCREWED.”
The Pecan Park Eagle 
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