The Ballad of Billy Wagner

Billy Wagner: 422 Career Regular Season Saves

Billy Wagner is retiring from the game. The following is intended purely as a good-natured tribute to one of the greatest closers in the history of baseball.


(sung to the tune of “the Beverly Hillbillies” TV series theme)

Come ‘n listen to my story ’bout a man named Billy,

Poor Mountaineer ~ livin’ broke and willy-nilly.

An’ then one day, he stepped outside to throw some great big rocks,

And up came an Astros scout and signed him outta hock!


Astros baseball contract, that is! ~ Pure gold! ~ Texas closer tea!


Well, the next thing ya know, young Bill’s a millionaire

Kin-folks sed, ~ “Bill, ~ go change yer underwear.”

They sed “Houston, Texas is the place yer gonna be,

And you cain’t go to Houston smellin’ of our misery!”


Hills, that is! ~ West Virginia muck! ~

Possum soup and Hoover bugs!


Billy chunked his dirty clothes, and he took hisself a bath.

Then he looked at his new contract and he quickly did the math.

“If they pay for throwin’ baseballs like they pay for hurlin’ rocks,

Ah can git a better deal ~ and make out like a fox!”


Multi-years, that is! ~ Millions of bucks! ~

Dadgum shore-fire good-at-the-bank MLB TV Dollars!


Ol’ Billy bought a Houston mansion. ~ Lawdy, it was swank.

He did real good at ‘pitchin ~ and he took ’em to the bank.

Next time they signed him up ~ it cost about a jillion bucks,

And then the Astros brung his pay ~ in six great big ole trucks.


“Guaranteed, that is! ~ Don’t matter if ah do or ah don’t! ~

Ah still gits mah pay! ~ No matter what! ~ It’s in mah contract!”


He got traded off to Philly, windin’ up with them old Mets!

Moved to Boston, then Atlanta, for his last few big league pets!

A ton of big Saves later, he’s just ready for a rest!

So let him go in peace, old friends, and please don’t be a pest!


Well now it’s time to say goodbye to Billy and his kin,

His words and big ole contract both done finally did him in.

Next time we see The Sandman he’ll be just plain rich guy Billy,

Thinkin’ back to when his big mouth got him traded off to Phillie!


Duck everybody! ~ Duck big time!

Here comes the guy the Astros traded for Brandon Duckworth!

And we still ain’t got no ballad for that guy’s Houston beginnings!

Has anybody checked out Billy’s 422 Saves total lately?

Is he really walkin’ away from the game with that big-o-bunch?


Oh well, ~ Ya’ll come back now – anyhow! –

And join us in Houston for a little commiseratin’!

We’re startin’ to miss Ole Billy Boy ‘round these parts,

And more and more so by the day!

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One Response to “The Ballad of Billy Wagner”

  1. Mike McCroskey Says:

    Seems like just yesterday that I was excited about his potential. A great career, far superior to the rhyme scheme and meter on this tribute.

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