Posts Tagged ‘Halloween’

Top Halloween Costumes: 2010

October 20, 2010


10. THE ECONOMY. Simply mummify yourself with those unpaid bills and make sure to cover the eye-slit places so you can’t see where you’re going.

9.  BRET FAVRE. First you buy a handy little digital camera. That’s as much as I can tell you because that’s as much as any of the rest of us really want to know.

8. BP: Petition the official dictionaries of the English-speaking world into changing the definition of the word “away” into the following: “Away: that part of the oceans and gulf waters in this world that includes the first one hundred foot depth of hard or oozing substances located at the bottom of all the water.” That way, when we speak, as BP, to say that the oil in the Gulf of Mexico has gone away, we will be telling nothing but the truth.

7. NORM CHAD (Sports Columnist): Just wear a crumpled up looking sportswriter suit and answer every inane question you get from readers about your history of failed marriages with the same silly response.  Just tell ‘em: “Pay the man, Shirley.”

6. NOLAN RYAN (As a spokesperson for Viagra): I’m not sure why the “Mad Men” of Madison Avenue haven’t already come up with this one. In these Viagra ads, Nolie wears a doctor’s frock and always appears with an older man/actor who appears to be his patient. All Nolan Ryan says in these new commercials is the same thing he says in those previous baseball pitching instructional spots he’s done with kids in the past. Now he also tells the actor/patient in the Viagra ads: “You can do it. Just relax and follow through.”

5. THE HOUSTON TEXANS DEFENSE: There is a catch to the use of this costume. You have to be shaped like a colander or they won’t even rent it out to you.

4. LADY GAGA: Just go the fridge and see what is there. Then start spreading the stuff you find all over your body. Once you have all pertinent parts covered, you are ready to go trick or treating as Lady Gaga.

3. THE OCTOMOM: Since you probably can’t get pregnant and give birth to eight kids by Halloween 2010, here’s a way to mildly simulate the Octomom experience. Go out on one day and buy everything you ever wanted on credit and take it all home. And don’t worry about how you are going to pay for any of it.

2. ILLEGAL ALIEN/UNDOCUMENTED TOURIST: When you go trick or treating, only accept cash as your “treat.” Then, at the end of the day, go down to customer service at your nearest grocer and wire whatever money you got from going around the neighborhood to somebody living in Mexico.

1. CHINA: If you can’t scare everybody on your block by dressing up as the fastest and biggest growing monster economy in the world, it just means sadly that you have stumbled upon another quiet cell of sleeping Americans.

Happy Halloween preparations, everybody. Hope I didn’t hit you with any ideas that were too scary.

My Eight Great Favorite “BOO” Movies!

October 31, 2009



In celebration of our annual fright day, and in recognition of the fact that I really have no better ideas cranking up this fine fall Saturday morning, here’s a list of my eight all time favorite fright flicks:

(8) Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein (1948). Not all that scary, but very funny for its time. The great comedy team takes on Frankenstein, Dracula, and the Wolfman – and comes out alive.

Favorite Lines:

Lawrence Talbot: “Every night the full moon rises, I turn into a wolf!”

Lou Costello: “Don’t worry about it, Mr. Talbot. That same thing happens to about a million other guys!”

(7) Dracula (1931). Hard to beat the classic Bela Lugosi portrayal of the living dead man from Transylvannia whose restlessness at home leads him to England, where life really sucks!

Favorite Line:

Renfield (at dinner): “Aren’t you drinking?”

Count Dracula: “I never drink ……. wine.”

(6) King Kong (1931). Big money attracts big ape to New York, where he undergoes a major fall. Until he met Kate Hudson, it was sort of the Alex Rodriguez Story.

Favorite Line:

Policeman (examining dead ape)” “Well, Denham, it looks like the aeroplanes got him!”

Carl Denham (ape tour promoter): “It wasn’t the aeroplanes. … ‘Twas beauty that killed the beast!”

(5) Night of the Living Dead (1968). Zombies rise from the grave and go on a flesh-easting binge.

Favorite Line:

(Male Companion to Lead Character Barbra in Cemetery): “They’re coming to get you, Barbra!”

(4) Young Frankenstein (1974). Grandson of infamous doctor returns to his family’s native soil to complete his ancestor’s work on the restoration of new life in a human body parts chop shop.

Favorite Line:

Young Dr. Frankenstein to porter at rail stop: “Pardon me, boy, is this the Transylvannia Station?”

(3.) Frankenstein (1931). The original treatment of Mary Shelley’s classic tale, starring Boris Karloff as the monster.

Favorite Line:

Dr. Frankenstein (upon noting that his restoration subject has slightly moved): “It’s alive! …. It’s alive! … It’s alive!”

(2.) The Blob (1958). Long before national healthcare, an amorphous red blob substance from outer space attempts to devour the world.

Favorite Line:

Police Chief (after the blob has been frozen into a still living, but harmless inert state): “We’ll drop it someplace where it will stay frozen, someplace like the north pole.”

Steve McQueen, teenage hero: (Are you listening Al Gore?): “Let’s hope the north pole never does thaw out!”

(1) Invasion of the Body Snatchers. Seed pods fall from outer space and start transforming human life into a race of people with no emotion about anything they day. As Dr. Miles Bennell, actor Kevin McCarthy takes on this menace in a desperate attempt to save the world.

Favorite Line:

Dr. Bennell to girl friend Becky: “If we are going to escape, we can’t show any emotion of any kind as we walk down the street. Otherwise, they’ll recognize us as a threat and do us in (something along those lines, anyway)!”

Becky (should’ve answered): “Miles, if we can pull this off, do you think we can get jobs workng for the government?”