Posts Tagged ‘fictional lineup’

My Presidential Baseball Team

March 8, 2011

1860: Lincoln Had a Baseball Cartoon Long Before the Birth of Babe Ruth.

Abe Lincoln may have ben the earliest public figure to ever have been characterized by a cartoon depicting a symbolic baseball theme, but this much is sure: e got there before Babe Ruth or any of the other great stars that were about to break upon the scene of American consciousness. The cartoon here basically depicted Lincoln running for President carrying the heaviest bat (on issues) and making the most of his “time at bat.”

In another arguably quantum waste of time, I decided to design my own expanded presidential roster of the forty-three men wo have held down the forty four places in our history. It’s off by one, as you will recall, because one man, Grover Cleveland, held the job twice as the 22nd and 24th President of the United States.

What I’ve done is assign each president o what I thought would be their best position on the club. The first ┬áman listed at each position is my starter and I’ve also included some comment on how the style of each man on the pitching roster may have effected his performance and style on the mound. Another unique feature of this club is that every man here derives his uniform number from his order in the presidential succession line, a number that de facto is retired from repeated use by others for that very reason. Since Grover Cleveland earned two numbers, he uses 22 on his back for home games – and 24 on the back of his roadie garb.

Here it is: My Presidential Expanded, All Inclusive Baseball Club Roster:

1 George “General” Washington: George owns the #1 hole. He was first in peace, first in war, and usually his namesake Senators were last in the American League back in the day.

40 Ronald “Dutch” Reagan: Dutch never wanted his work on the mound to result in a taxing experience. He always double-checked the catcher’s signs because, as he once said, it is always best to “trust, but verify.”

44 Barak “Aloha” Obama: When his popularity as a starter faded, Obama adopted the public relations strategy of the 1942 Phillies. He bought an advertising sign at the Washington ballpark that read: President Obama uses Life Buoy Soap! A disgruntled unemployed fan quickly scrawled a few more words on the sign. They read: “AND HE STILL STINKS!”

37 Richard Milhous “Tricky Dicky” Nixon: Does not trust any signs from any catcher, manager, or coach. He gets by with some slimey weasel-like pitches that are basically illegal and potentially dangerous to the batter and the public in general. When asked how a brand new ball can end up with four to five cut marks after only one Nixon pitch, all he will say is: “I am not a crook!”

42 William Jefferson “Slick Willie” Clinton: (See previous two entries.)

32 Franklin Delano “FDR” Roosevelt: Every time he finds a rule in the game he doesn’t like, or simply has an argument with an umpire, he stops the game to have the matter investigated by an executive office problem-solving committee. These committee actions inevitably lead to the recommendation that a whole new federal agency be created to deal with the problem from here to eternity. Once the new agency is created, opponents are invited to the White House for a fireside chat on how they have no choice but to get used to it.

35 John F. “Jack” Kennedy: I was a “Kennedy Kid’ new college graduate when JFK won the White House. JFK was my hero. “Ask not…” and all that went with it were the winds that moved my sails. Then. As time went by. Things changed. And I woke up with less gilded faith and trust in any politician, left or right. Before my “awakening,” to the true nature of humanity, I had no idea about JFK and Marilyn Monroe, the gangster lady, or the historical record of Papa Joe Kennedy and his philosophy. All of that alters my perception of JFK as a pitcher for this club. As I see him now as a pitcher, he leans heavily on Papa Joe Kennedy as his pitching coach. And Papa Joe constantly tells him: “Never forget, Jack, it’s not how great a pitcher you are, but how you pitch on the days when the money scouts show up. In pitching, and in all things, it’s not what you are, but what people think you are that counts.”

36 Lyndon Baines “Hand-Crusher” Johnson: A very deceptive mound ace. Makes batters think they are getting something they want and then breaks off pitches they can neither resist nor afford.

22 H/24 A – Grover “Double Duty” Cleveland: “Double your pleasure. Double your fun. Count on Grover and his twin bill gun.”

18 Ulysses S. “Happy Hour” Grant: Goes right after each batter. May choose to dust every man in the opposition’s batting order their first time up. Believes he will always win any battle of attrition over time. Constantly pushes the intimidation button from “play ball” to “last out.”.

33 Harry S. “Give-Em-Hell-Harry” Truman: Harry’s A-Bomb fastball often results in teams throwing in the towel and conceding the game prior to the completion of a full nine innings.

43. George W. “Dubya” Bush: Has pretty good natural ability, but can’t find the words to explain his pitching philosophy. Tends to pitch impulsively and get into jams that he can neither understand nor get out of without great casualty to others. Every time his coaches say that they need to talk with him about the “quagmire” problem, Dubya thinks they are talking about a low spot on his Crawford ranch where water tends to collect and stagnate.

Now, here’s the rest of the roster without further comment:

Catcher

27 William Howard “Billy” Taft

31 Chester A. “Chet” Arthur

23 Benjamin “Benny” Harrison

First Base

41 George Herbert Walker “George” Bush

38 Gerald “Gerry” Ford

20 James A. “Jimmy” Garfield

Second Base

31 Herbert “Suck-Em-Up” Hoover

7 Andrew “Andy” Jackson

25 William “Bill” McKinley

Third Base

26 Theodore “Teddy” Roosevelt

12 Zachary “Zach” Taylor

29 Warren G. “Lover Boy” Harding

Shortstop

3 Thomas “Scribbles” Jefferson

4 James “Shorty” Madison

30 Calvin “Harpo” Coolidge

Left Field

28 Woodrow “Woody” Wilson

13 Millard “Millie” Fillmore

39 Jimmy “Peanuts” Carter

Center Field

34 Dwight David “Ike” Eisenhower

11 James K. “Salad” Polk

19 Rutherford B. “Gabby” Hayes

Right field

16 Abraham “Honest Abe” Lincoln

17 Andrew “Andy” Johnson

15 James “Dude” Buchanan

Utility Infielder

2 John “Big John” Adams

5 James “Jumpin’ Jim” Monroe

6 John Quincy “Little John” Adams

Utility Outfielder

8 Martin “Marty” Van Buren

14 Franklin “Frankie” Pierce

Designated Hitter/Infield-Outfield

9 WIlliam Henry “Hammerin’ Hank” Harrison

10 John “Tomahawk” Tyler

That’s it. Suggested changes or lineups by comment are both requested and welcomed!