If It Can Draw your Blood, It’s Not Paranoia

Lieutenant Commander Philip Francis Queeg, Retired
US NAVY and Former Captain of The USS CAINE
A Reportedly Good Friend of a Gunnery Mate named Johnny Temple.

“Johnny told me some time ago about the problems he’s been having with certain umpires and their unfair treatment of him. When he asked me what I thought he should do about it, I did what I’ve always done. I weighed out all the issues with geometric precision, just as I did that time on The Caine, when all those leftover strawberries from the Captain’s table in my quarters turned up missing.

As per usual here, some things just didn’t add up. I recommended to Johnny that he follow the oldest rule in my book in his case too.

“Johnny,” I said, “you’ve got some things here that could be due to coincidental fallout actions, things that were unpleasant to you, but nonetheless, never the result of any malevolent intention by these certain umpires. – You also have some strong reasons to believe your fears that these crummy guys are out to get you and that they won’t stop until they do.

“In cases like yours, there’s only one way to go. And that is to never disregard the voices of suspicion. They will not go away until they are proven correctable.

“Til then, they will come in the dead of night and wake you up in a cold sweat. And this will go on until the guilty parties are caught in their act of conspiring against you and proper justice is executed upon them – and also upon any others we have yet to identify who may be aiding their evil plan.

“Until judgment day is yours, buy you a pair of these steel ball bearings and roll them around in your hand like I do when the pains of suspicion get too bad. It won’t solve the problem, but it will help reduce the attendant symptoms of involuntary drooling and sporadic bouts of incontinence. I don’t know what else I’d do without my balls.”

~ Lieutenant Commander Philip Francis Queeg, Retired
US NAVY and Former Captain of The USS CAINE


Thank you again for the refreshing content of this ancient article from the Victoria Advocate, Darrell Pittman. We liked the late Johnny Temple and will hope this flare up with the men in blue was little more than a bad short-term case of the Baseball Player Problems with Authority Virus.


Victoria Advocate, July 2, 1963:

Temple Charges Umpires Unfair

HOUSTON (AP) – Fiery Houston Colt infielder Johnny Temple – thrown out of three games this year and fined each time – says there are “six or seven umpires in this league who are out to get me.”

Temple said he could produce a witness who heard a National League umpire say he was “out to get” him. He did not identify the witness.

“I’ve got to get some protection from somewhere,” Temple said Sunday night following the Colts game with St. Louis in which the veteran infielder engaged in a heated conversation with plate umpire Frank Walsh over a called strike.

Temple didn’t get the boot Sunday night as Colt manager Harry Craft rushed onto the field to intercede.

Walsh called a strike on Temple and Temple said something. The umpire said something, too. Then Johnny flared. That much was obvious from the stands.


The source face for this column


“Whatever you do, Johnny, don’t forget the silver balls!”


Bill McCurdy

Principal Writer, Editor, Publisher

The Pecan Park Eagle

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