The Genius Wit of Steven Wright

“No, I can’t hang a curve. I don’t even own a ball-hanger.”
~ Comedian Steven Wright

The Genius Wit of Steven Wright (Revisited) *

  • (We’ve been here before with him in this Eagle Columns Flight, but we never get enough. Here are some more nimble takes on life by the Steven Wright who does not pitch for the Boston Red Sox.)

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

 

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked

something.

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

 

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don’t have film.

 

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

 

Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

 

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.

“Pitching at Fenway is no laughing matter.”
~ Pitcher Steven Wright

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

 

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.

 

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried

before.

Change is inevitable….except from vending machines.

 

A fool and his money are soon partying.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it’s the scenic route.

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

 

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Borrow money from pessimists-they don’t expect it back.

Half the people you know are below average.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.

____________________

All of above shared quotes are from comedian Steven Wright, the arguably funniest quick mind in the universe. You have to stop quoting him somewhere because Steven Wright never stops writing new ancient thoughts in funnier and funnier ways.

____________________


Bill McCurdy

Publisher, Editor, Writer

The Pecan Park Eagle

Houston, Texas

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One Response to “The Genius Wit of Steven Wright”

  1. Larry Dierker Says:

    Reminds me of Larry Andersen on speed. The one also reminds me of what Tug McGraw said after signing a big contract when asked what he would do with all that money: “90% of it I’ll spend on wine, women and song. The rest I’ll probably waste.”

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