The Pecan Park Eagle

The longer we play, the less we recruit, the more we too soon shall need need these vintage base ball rule modifications.

Rules for Vintage Ball at the Post-Age 90 Level

1. Every game shall begin with an official pulse count for each player as he or she comes to bat for the first time.
2. Players without discernible pulses will be disqualified from playing in this day’s game and they will not be allowed to play again until further medical examination determines if this absence of a pulse is an indicator of a more serious health condition.
3. There shall be no ball and strike count.
4. The batter bats until he or she either makes fair ball contact or dies trying.
5. Infield fly balls must be caught in the air to be ruled as out plays.
6. Outfield fly balls caught through the 3rd ground bounce are ruled outs.
7. Ground balls anywhere that can be stopped by legal defenders while they are still rolling are ruled outs.
8. Players may attempt stolen bases.
9. Attempted stealers will be declared out if they also fall down or die en route to the next base and are then tagged with the game ball by a legal defensive player.
10. McCroskey Rule I: Obviously afflicted players must get to first base on their own.
11. McCloskey Rule 2: Certifiably afflicted players may use a pinch runner from first base forward, but only if that pinch runner is the biological female descendant of the certifiably afflicted player and has not yet reached her 18th birthday.
12. Sliding by any runner, player or courtesy runner class, is prohibited in the interest of player safety.
13. Manually powered wheel chair players are allowed, but motorized transporters of any type are forbidden for use by any player under any circumstance.
14. Wheel chair bound players will be credited with a put out on any fly ball that lands and remains in their chair on the fly and, from there, never falls to the ground.
15. Players suffering from anorexic dementia will not be penalized for the first time in each game they run to 3rd base, instead of 1st, as batters of a fair-struck ball. They will be respectfully redirected to 1st base and sensitively warned that further wrong direction base runs from the batter’s box – or base – will result in an automatic out call.
16. Retired Vintage Ball Managers shall retain the right to shout incoherent words of joy and support for their old teams throughout each game they watch without fear of ridicule from the general crowd of fans. Fans found guilty of trash mouthing the old former managers shall be gingerly asked to leave the game premises at a level of pain that overpowers any futile objections.
17. Game Length for the 90+ League teams shall be 6, rather than 7, innings. At the end of the 3rd inning, a 30-minutes-long power nap time shall be installed to assure that the final three innings are played at a brisk and healthy pace.
18. Dead Men Don’t Wear Plaid. (See the 1982 Steve Martin movie by the same name as this rule for the possibility of a full explanation. As you do so, try to remember that “possibility” is not the same as “probability,” and that “probability” only  reaches “certainty” when time and actual game outcomes have reached “actuality” and all possibility of unexpected intervening variable appearance on the side of change has been exhausted as a threat to the certainty that an actual outcome percentile score of 100% finally has been achieved).
19. Beyond the above specified variance for this oldest of age category leagues, the balance of rules assigned by the 1860 base ball rule covenants shall apply.

That being said ~ Let’s play ball – And have some fun – While we are still able to do so!

Tags: Rules for Vintage Ball at the Post-Age 90 Level

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