St. Michael
The Pun Master
In cool relief to our painful digestion of how UH got bombed, 34-10, by San Diego State today in the Elvis Impersonators Bowl, it is our choice here at The Eagle to lead off this collection of ten puns that good friend and local humorist Mike McCroskey emailed here this afternoon in the likely good faith that they might make me smile – which they did. I’m not sure if Mike knew that they would be most welcome today, of all days, but they were just the tonic I needed in the wake of a dull thud finish to the Cougars’ 2016 college football season. UH QB Darrell Ward just had a terrible last game in his UH career. With 4 interceptions, and one that went for a killer pick six, this wonderful young man simply had the worst possible day at the worst possible time. Of course, poor blocking by the UH O-line and the inability of UH to run well against the SDS defense made it a team failure, not one that all falls on the QB. As my dad always liked to say: “Losing as the better, favored team is something that happens when a lack of preparation and focus runs into a team that is hungry for an opportunity.” You were right again, Dad.
In honor of Mike McCroskey’s thoughtfulness, we choose to lead off with a new pun of our own, based upon what has happened to UH football on the field since the departure of Tom Herman as our head coach and his replacement by Major Applewhite. It’s all Tom’s fault – and I would personally like to express that precise perception to Tom Herman in these exact words: “The loss in Vegas today occurred because you yielded ground control to Major, Tom!”
That being said, here are ten wonderful puns contributed to this column by Mike McCroskey. – Enjoy. Endure. Or ignore. – The choice is yours.
Ten Bottles of Magic Elixir from Professor McCroskey’s Pun Collection
- King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. Croesus said, “I’ll give you 100,000 dinars for it”. “But I paid a million dinars for it,” the King protested. “Don’t you know who I am? I am the king!” Croesus replied, “When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are.”
- Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss league records were destroyed in a fire, … and so we’ll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
- A man rushed into a busy doctor’s office and shouted, “Doctor! I think I’m shrinking!” The doctor calmly responded, “Now, settle down. You’ll just have to be a little patient.”
- A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day, his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with … transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.
- Back in the 1800’s the Tate’s Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products, and since they already made the cases for watches, they used them to produce compasses. The new compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico, rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression ,… “He who has a Tate’s is lost!”
- A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets and urinals, leaving no clues. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, “We have absolutely nothing to go on.”
- An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, “The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on.”
- A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, “I must have taken Leif off my census.”
- There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deerskin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This just goes to prove that … the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.
- A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal Brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the Brujo looked him in the eye and said, “Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don’t need enemas.“
Have a nice weekend, everybody! And try to remember too. – On those days when you too are having trouble digesting and eliminating something inedible – whether it be something material or esoteric in base – “May the Force be with you!”
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Publisher, Editor, Writer
The Pecan Park Eagle
The Pecan Park Eagle 
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