2017 ASTROS ST MYSTERY INVITEES

“Game of Baseball like ancient Chinese Monkey Puzzle. … Impossible to ignore. … Impossible to resist.  … Impossible to master.”  ~ Charlie Chan

There already has been a lot of early talk about what the Astros need to do to resolve the mysteries of their missing roster pieces. As Astros fans, we talk about little things like: Where’s the starting pitching going to come from? How come our relievers can’t get anybody out? Why do we strike out so much? Why can’t we find a catcher who can both hit and catch? Where are all the good high average batters who can hit from the left side? For that matter, where are all the average hitting batters who can hit from the left side?

In response to these questions, and as a matter of fantasy and merriment, The Pecan Park Eagle is proud to present our list of “2017 Free Agent Spring Training Mystery Invitees” – a list of 18 recruited and recreated ballplayers that we scouted this morning as potential mystery solvers to some of the questions that are already beginning to water log on our “River of No Return Into the Further Reaching Hinterlands of the Territory We All Have Come Know as a Place Called ‘Wait’ll Next Year’!”

To find these potential answers, we scouted Baseball Almanac for the surnames of all MLB players who share their last names with those of famous fictional detectives from literature, movies, or tv. Then we selected 18 of them to reincarnate in 2017 by the full name of their fictional detective identity doppelgänger for possible mystery solvers for next year’s Houston Astros, if any of them perform well enough next spring to make the team. The following is a tabular presentation of our magical mystery reincarnation talent list we signed today for the Astros consideration in 2017. Sorry we didn’t get around to advising Reid Ryan or Jeff Luhnow before we took this bold step, but those of us who who work as digital Google bird dog scouts don’t have time to stop and get club approval before we take action in behalf of our favorite teams.

The list:

2017 ASTROS ST MYSTERY INVITEES: Original MLB Names/Transformational New Famous Detective, Now MLB Player Identities

POS. MLB PLAYERS MLB ERA NEW NAMES CAREER STATS
P BOB SPADE 1907-10 SAM SPADE 25-24, 2.96
P DAZZY VANCE 1915-35 PHILO VANCE 197-140, 3.24
P TIM DRUMMOND 1987-90 BULLDOG DRUMMOND 3-5,  4.29
P BARNEY WOLFE 1903-06 NERO WOLFE 21-39, 2.96
P TOMMY BOND 1876-84 JAMES BOND 193-115, 2.25
P DICK MARLOWE 1951-56 PHILLIP MARLOWE 13-15, 4.99
P SKIPPER FRIDAY 1923 JOE FRIDAY 0-1, 6.90
C HAL SMITH 1955-64 FRANK SMITH .267 BA, 58 HR
1B BOB WATSON 1966-84 DR. WATSON .295 BA, 184 HR
IF JOHN KANE 1907 MARTIN KANE .220 BA, 7 HR
38 CHAD TRACY 2004-13 DICK TRACY .274 BA, 86 HR
3B ED CHARLES 1962-69 NICK CHARLES .263 BA, 86 HR
SS JIM MASON 1971-79 PERRY MASON .203 BA, 12 HR
LF TOMMY HOLMES 1942-52 SHERLOCK HOLMES 302 BA. 88 HR
CF WILLLIE McGEE 1982-99 TRAVIS McGEE .295 BA, 352 SB
RF BILLY QUEEN 1954 ELLERY QUEEN .000 BA, 2 AB
OF CAMERON DREW 1988 NANCY DREW .188 BA, 16 AB
OF MICHAEL BOURN(E) 2006-16 JASON BOURNE .266 BA, 341 SB

We regret that we could not find any MLB players in history who may have carried the family names of Chan or Columbo into this prospectus. Both would have been great mentors to Astros Manager A.J. Hinch as bench managers. With Charlie Chan sitting by his side through a full season, can we even imagine the amount of wise sayings Manager Hinch could have piled up in a single season. Can you imagine what Chan may have said to 1986 Boston Red Sox Manager John McNamara when that World Series grounder found its game-losing way through the legs of BoSox first baseman Bill Buckner?

How about a touch of Charlie Chan-ese: “Some times ground ball like bar of soap dropped in shower. By time hand reaches ground to retrieve, soap already slips by. Even worse outcome when soap bar dropped in locker room shower after losing game by slippery error on ground ball”

And Columbo! – In Columbo, Hinch would have been helped to see that “one thing” he hadn’t thought of in tense game times and made a better decision.

A Columbo to Hinch Example: “Oh sure, Chief, you can leave Gregerson in there to pitch to Robinson Cano with the winning run on third and nobody out. …. There’s just one thing. …. Make that two. …. He just peed in his pants and … his right arm just fell off.”

Enjoy the Dodgers at Nationals game today, folks. – Let’s get this one decided and start the 2016 World Series!

____________________

eagle-0range
 Bill McCurdy

Publisher, Editor, Writer

The Pecan Park Eagle

Houston, Texas

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4 Responses to “2017 ASTROS ST MYSTERY INVITEES”

  1. Rick B. Says:

    As a backup 1B/2B, the team could have Monk Sherlock, who hit .324 in that role for the Phillies in 1930. He’d kill two birds with one stone: Sherlock Holmes (whom you already have) and Adrian Monk (from the TV series “Monk”).

  2. Larry Dierker Says:

    How about Sinister Dick Kinsella? Start your Field of Dreams with Gehrig!

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