Robot Call Receivers: A Menace to Sanity

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“Thank you for your patience. Your call is very important to us.”

 

Let’s face it, there are no “right” places in this world for robotic incoming call reception services, especialy when you are the frustrated supplicant caller-customer. They simply are put there by corporations and government entities for the dual purpose of saving salary money – and making you, the caller, reconsider, whether or not, your question or complaint is even worth the ride down the slippery slope to the land of the mechanized and digitized lost. And the context of your call resource explains it all. You are attempting to communicate a human concern through machines that eventually may hang up on the terminal binary winds of an abrupt “goodbye”.

Some of us have learned to compensate for this everyday growing sad evidence that civility in our culture is rapidly disappearing altogether. We use our daily trial by this digital curse of automated imbecility by dropping our loads of pent up aggression on the very obstacles that stand in the way of human contact by phone.

For a few us, it becomes a step out of normal character in our relations with real people, but isn’t that really the only therapeutic defense we have against the phony smiling robot voices that stand in the way of us speaking to a live person about an issue? Anything that isn’t as black and white as our bank balance is most often settled better and quicker with real person answers.

The “us versus the machine” game comes down to a very simple playing field with one goal in mind: Do whatever it takes to get the robot to pass you on to a live “customer service” person before the machine wins the contest with its classic electronic kiss ~ “Goodbye! And thank you for calling the Acme Weapons of Mass Distraction Supply Company!”

Here’s a hypothetical example of such an exchange between a typical caller and a robot employee of the Acme Produce Company:

Robot: Hello! Welcome to the Acme Produce Company! Please pay close attention to these instructions as our options have recently changed!”

Caller: I don’t want options, Robot! I want to speak to a live person!

Robot: I’m sorry. I didn’t quite understand you. Would you mind repeating your selection in fewer words? Otherwise, press the correct number of your choice on your telephone keyboard from among our five indicated service options.

Caller: Yes, I would mind, ***hole! – As for buttons, I’d rather press your nose, if you had one! Let me speak to a live person. you smiley voice sucker!

Robot: I’m sorry. I am still having trouble understanding your request.

Caller: I said, “LET ME SPEAK TO A LIVE FREAKIN’ PERSON, YOU DIGITAL DODO! ~ I’M TRYING TO BUY SOME BANANAS! ~ A BUNCH OF BANANAS! ~ NOT GO BANANAS! ~ AND YOU SAID NOTHING ABOUT BANANAS-AVAILABILITY IN THE FIVE CHOICES YOU GAVE ME!”

Robot: Yes, I said nothing. I said nothing because, “yes, we have no bananas. – We have no bananas today.”

Caller: Oh, REALLY?  WELL, I WILL BELIEVE THAT NEWS ONLY WHEN I HEAR IT FROM A LIVE PERSON, YOU CHICAGO CUB OF MENTAL MIDGETS!

Robot: Please allow me to transfer your call to one of our customer service representatives.

CLICK. BEEP.

Robot #2: All of our service representatives are currently busy helping other customers. Please stay on the line and your call will be answered in the order in which it was received.

Next: Music starts playing over the phone. It is a musical version of Stevie Wonder’s “You Are the Sunshine of My Life.”

15 Minutes Later: More instrumental music. Now it’s a version of Lionel Ritchie’s “Hello! Is It Me You’re Looking For?”

20 Minutes Later: More music without words. This time it’s “Yes, We Have No Bananas! We Have No Bananas Today!”

3 Minutes Later/Robot #1 is back on the line: “See there? – I told you so!”

____________________

 eagle-0range Bill McCurdy

Publisher, Editor, Writer

The Pecan Park Eagle

Houston, Texas

https://bill37mccurdy.com/

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