A Happy 4th of July Laughter Feast

HAPPY FOURTH OF JULY 2015

HAPPY FOURTH OF JULY
2015

The Fourth of July is a holiday of dedication to the birth of American independence and freedom. And that includes the right of all people to speak independently of careful thought and their consequential freedom to experience the uproar of deeply felt laughter when asking or answering  a question that reveals the presence of stupidly.

These exchanges are excerpted  from a book called “Disorder in the American Courts” as a collection of things that people actually have said in court, word for word, that were taken down and published for the record by court reporters that faced the dual challenge of not going “ROTFLMAO” on a level that most assuredly would have landed them in the unemployment line.

This selection is not new to many of us, but The Pecan Park Eagle is deeply appreciative that friend and colleague Miriam Edelman decided to stir our joyous recollections with this material a couple of days ago. Some funny things never get old to the heart and soul of the “funny bone”, especially, if you haven’t heard them in a while. A few of the examples here are a little edgy, but none are dirty. They are simply incredibly sides-aching laughter funny – even if they only make you smile or crack the sour look that’s been feeding your recent facial expressions on a steady diet of today’s everyday bad news.

Lighten up! And have one healthy bang of a time this Fourth of July!

And always remember, especially on Independence Day, that our Freedoms always arrive in the form of two-sided coins. The other side may be as invisible as the dark side of the moon, but it’s there – and it’s name is Responsibility. In the end, and this goes for all of us, we only get to keep the freedoms that we are willing to take responsibility for owning – and that some egregious acts of irresponsibility have the power of taking away all of our freedoms at one time.

On that lighter note, let’s look at how some attorneys and witnesses used their freedoms of speech in court!

Misspoken Moments in Courts

______________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th .
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s 20, much like your IQ
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you kidding me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th ?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral…
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

_______________________________________

And we will close this Independence Day 2015 salute with the most incredible (less than 2 minutes) fireworks show we’ve ever seen – and again – sent to us only this morning by the same long-time friend and colleague, Miriam Edelman who sent us the mind-staggering courtroom testimonies you’ve hopefully just read and enjoyed. – This one is a thing of visual beauty and ingenuity, showing how the people in a small village in the Hunan Province of China rang in the New Year. – What they did works beautifully for the 4th of July too. – And why shouldn’t it? – These are the direct descendants of the people who invented fireworks a few centuries ago – and they really do put their hearts into this show – as you will see, if you just give yourself a chance to watch and observe exactly what we mean. – We’ve been watching fireworks for the better part of seven decades and we have never, ever seen anything pyrotechnical that has worked this beautifully – even on this digital transcription. To have seen this display in person defies all of our imagined capacities for activating a fitting description of “awesome”.

By all means too – be sure to activate your picture to full screen. Awesome rolls in full screen.

Happy Fourth of July, Everybody!

____________________________________

The Pecan Park Eagle Says:

The Pecan Park Eagle
Says:
“HAPPY 4TH OF JULY!”

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