The Ballad of Billy Wags (An Oldie)

The Ballad of Billy Wags By Bill McCurdy November 2003

The Ballad of Billy Wags


The Ballad of Billy Wags (composed in the wake of Astros’ closer Billy Wagner’s trade to the Philadelphia Phillies on November 3, 2003 for Ezequiel Astacio, Taylor Buchholz and Brandon Duckworth. It’s sung to the tune of The Beverly Hillbillies theme.)


By Bill McCurdy (2003)


Come ‘n listen to my story ’bout a man named Billy,

Poor Mountaineer ~ livin’ broke and willy-nilly.

An’ then one day, he was outside throwin’ rocks,

And up came an Astro scout and signed him outta hock!


Astro baseball contract, that is! ~ Pure gold! ~ Texas closer tea!


Well, the next thing ya know, young Bill’s a millionaire

Kin-folks said, ~ “Bill, ~ change yer underwear.”

Said “Houston, Texas is the place yer gonna be,

Ya cain’t go ta Houston smellin’ of our misery!”


Hills, that is! ~ West Virginia muck! ~ Possum soup and Hoover bugs!


So he chunked his dirty clothes, and he took hisself a bath.

Then he looked at his contract and quickly did the math.

“If they pay for throwin’ baseballs like they pay for hurlin’ rocks,

Ah can git a better deal ~ and make out like a fox!”


Multi-years, that is! ~ Millions of bucks! ~ Dadgum shore-fire good-at-the-bank Drayton-Dollars!


Ol’ Billy bought a Houston mansion. ~ Lawdy it was swank.

He did real good at ‘pitchin and he took ’em to the bank.

Next time they signed him up ~ it cost about a jillion bucks,

And then the Astros brung his pay ~ in six great big ole trucks.


“Guaranteed, that is! ~ Don’t matter if ah do or ah don’t! ~ Ah still gits mah pay! ~ It’s in mah contract!”


Well now it’s time to say goodbye to Billy and his kin,

His mouth and big ole contract both have finally done him in.

Next time we see The Sandman he’ll be just plain rich guy Billy,

He’ll be a runnin’ to the pitcher’s mound as a Philadelphia Phillie!


Duck everybody!

Here comes Brandon Duckworth!

And we ain’t got no ballad for his beginnings!


Ya’ll come back now – anyhow!

Houston’s gittin’ more mediocre by the day!









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