Baseball Horror Movies for Halloween

“The Spider That Ate the Browns”: In 1953, nuclear dandruff from the balding pate of owner Bill Veeck falls into a Sportsman’s Park spider’s nest, producing a giant mutant arachnid with an appetite for delicious baseball players. When Super Spider is unable to find any among the St. Louis Browns, he eats owner Veeck before moving on to Baltimore, taking the Browns club with him, just for laughs. The Larger-Than-Kong Spider’s appetite is insatiable. When he finally dies, his spirit possesses the soul of a Cleveland-born shipping magnate, convincing the man to buy one of the New York teams.

“The Misadventures of Lewis and Clark”: To get ready for next year’s transfer of the Astros to the AL West, Lewis (L) and Clark (R) above, two baseball-clad Astro fan explorers go searching for the northwest passage in the hope that, next year, they won’t miss a thing. They overcome their fear of watching long extra inning games that start at 9 PM Houston time by running out bunt plays at Clark’s place while the Astros game plays out on DVR in simulated west coast to Houston game time. By simulation season’s end, both men have   turned into zombies from sleep deprivation.

“The Zombification of Houston Astros Fans”: A group of Astros fans puts the lid on a three-team, twelve-game ALW extended TV watch party from the central time zone – only to discover that their intrepid venture into excessive sleep deprivation has turned them all into zombies.

“The Plight of Frankenstein”: “Am old scout. Now taking ITT course. Need job. Must remember to say in job interview: ‘Watching games in boondocks – bad. Watching statistics on computer – good!’ Meanwhile, taking bus to ballpark also bad. – Hard to stay fired up. – Fire very bad. Please do not fire me, Boss!”

“Slide, Mummy, Slide”: To compensate for his lack of foot-speed on stolen base attempts, The Mummy develops a unique sliding technique that allows him to literally destroy any foe that attempts to tag him out. Unfortunately, he is totally vulnerable to the inside-the-parker on any ball that gets by him in left field. He is invited to shift to DH, but is apparently too wrapped up in himself to see and accept the weaknesses that exist in his running game.

“Reincarnation of the Houston Astros”:
Dr. Frankenstein: “IT’S ALIVE! IT’S ALIVE!”
Igor: “Das close. Das close.”

“Night of the Living Dead, Part 2”:
Starring (L-R) Peter (Spider-Bite) Angelos, owner of the Baltimore Orioles, Fidel Castro, and Bud Selig meet in Havana to Mojo up some voodoo for an upcoming Zombie Convention.

“Full Count Dracula”: Bela Lugosi stars as a split-finger savant pitching ace, who only wants to start in night games. He literally has to be knocked out of the box to start a day game at Wrigley and he is super paranoid of umpires. In the featured photo, we see Lugosi reviewing on tape a ball hit down the left field line against him that the home plate umpire in Houston called fair by inches. “The Count” appears dubious of that call. Later calls the “fowl pole” unfair.

“The DH Dimension”: Acting upon a significant misunderstanding of the term, “DH”, the Houston Astros sign the uber-liberal, godless, mean-spirited, funny-as-cancer, Republican-loathing talk show host, Bill Maher, as their team’s new 2013 first AL season “designated hater.”

That’s enough silliness from me today, but, hey, Halloween is only a week away. I think we would all like to hear your own scenarios for new movies blending horror and baseball.

Come on! Rattle out of the box for a while! With all the serious stuff going on around us these days, we could all use a little break from the tedium.

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4 Responses to “Baseball Horror Movies for Halloween”

  1. Bob Hulsey Says:

    I already saw “Your 2011-12 Houston Astros”. Why would I want to watch anything scarier?

    • Sumner Hunnewell Says:

      If you remember the film “Arsenic and Old Lace,” it starts with a baseball game in Brooklyn, which (in Hawthornian way) bends time to make a point, since there wouldn’t have been a major league game happening on Hallowe’en…but other than that one glitch, who could find any fault with the way the Cary Grant played the part?

      CHAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGEEE!

    • Bill McCurdy Says:

      Good point, Mr. Hulsey. – I still couldn’t resist adding and comingling a few more story lines this morning and I will probably continue to do so as the muses variably push the windmills of the mind between now and Halloween.

  2. Previous Halloween Columns, 2009-15 | The Pecan Park Eagle Says:

    […] https://bill37mccurdy.com/2012/10/25/baseball-horror-movies-for-halloween/ […]

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