Top 10 Worst Autograph Scenarios

Bob Hulsey of Astros Daily. This guy takes on baseball the way all living creatures take on oxygen.

Our friend and great and spirited Editor in Chief at Astros Daily, Bob Hulsey, wrote me the following note yesterday as a comment upon my Forrest Gump at the Pearly Gates column on Saturday: “Mickey Mantle said once he dreamed he had died and was at the pearly gates. St. Peter said to him, ‘Mickey, we know who you are and with the things you’ve done in your life, I’m afraid I can’t let you in. But since you’re here, would you mind signing a few dozen balls for us?’”

Bob’s history reminder gave me further pause to think that Mantle may have signed a gazillion autographs for Dallas angel cops who escorted him safely home and away from DUI charges while he was still in a state of alcohol amnesia (blackout) and out on the town during his flaming out retirement years.

This morning I wake up to the light-hearted thought: What are the worst circumstances for a famous athlete when it comes to the timing and other circumstances of an autograph request? Here are few that occur to me. And I’d love to hear what any of you may care to add to the list:

(10) Going into surgery for an emergency medical procedure, your doctor asks for your autograph and adds this comment: “You never know how valuable this particular signature may be tomorrow morning.”

(9) As you are signing off on the mediated property distribution agreement with the wife who is divorcing you, her attorney asks, “Since you already have that pen in your hand, would you please sign this ball for my kid? He’s your biggest fan.”

(8) “Hi there! Remember me? My name’s Roxie. We met in the hotel bar last night after the game and the hotel photographer took this picture of you, sort of lunging for me as you fell into my lap with your tongue hanging out. – Would you please sign it for me? – And make it personal to Roxie please.”

(7) “Yeah, it’s a legal summons I’m bringing you, but it’s nothing personal. That’s my job as a server. Just sign the ball for my kid too while were at it. It’s not going to kill you.”

(6) “C’mon, mister! This is the men’s room – and I’m taking  a leak here! I can’t sign an autograph for you now and, even if I could, I wouldn’t. I saw what you did as you finished your own business. You didn’t even wash your hands before your reached into that bag for that ball and pen.”

(5) “Yeah, I’m the plumber from the company you called about this flood in your house, Mr. Very Big, but I’ve got an even better deal for you. Sign ten balls for me first off and I will not only waive the $75 diagnostic fee – I’ll also give you 1% off the final bill for each ball, starting with the ten I’ve requested and going on up from there.”

(4) “Sorry, Mr. Very Big,” the night club waiter apologizes to the big league star where he sits with his girl friend at his quiet corner table, ” but I have been asked to request your autograph on this ball. Your wife is sitting over there and she has personally asked for it. She says to tell you also that it is the last painless communication you may expect to see from her in the foreseeable future.”

(3) “Daddy, I know you don’t have time to play catch with me, but could you, at least, sign this ball for me? That way I can have an easier time telling the other kids that you have all kinds of time for me.”

(2) “Sorry, Mom. If you want my autograph, go online and Google Tri-Star.”

(1) “Mr. Fan, you’re asking me to sign a ball that’s very old, one that’s only been signed by Mickey Mantle, Willie Mays, and Duke Snider. I do get that you’re wanting to start your own collection of center fielder autographs, but do you really want to add the name of  ’Jordan Schafer’ to this special ball?”


One Response to “Top 10 Worst Autograph Scenarios”

  1. larry joe miggns Says:

    I read a story in the Mens Senior Baseball MSBL Hardball magazine many years ago where at a $3000 Dodgers Baseball Fantasy Camp at Dodgertown in Vero Beach, FL a player witnessed a very young kid asked Don Drysdale for his autograph. Don asks him if he ever saw him play and the kid replied “NO”
    “Why do you want my autograph? “asked Don and the Kid said ,
    ” Because my dad said you are old and going to die soon”
    He signed it %&#$ you dad, Don Drysdale.
    Now that story and ball is worth big bucks .
    It further mentioned that the kid was so young that he could not read yet.Thank God It also mentioned a very funny story about Don calling all the young fantasy players wimps as they retired early for the evening but a great time was had by all.

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