The Pecan Park Eagle

This is a mild departure from our usual “topiculture” of Houston/Baseball, but I cannot resist. A good friend named Miriam Edelman sent me some amusing stories yesterday that manage to spring humor from some of the most difficult adjustment changes we all face eventually in our senior years. I would love to give credit for each, but these are the kinds of stories that rarely leave an author in their wake, They just  get told.

Enjoy!

An elderly gentleman….

…. had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, ‘Your hearing is perfect… Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.”

The gentleman replied, “Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times, so far!’

Two elderly gentlemen….

…. from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when Sam turns to his friend and says: “Slim, I’m 83 years old now and I’m just full of aches and pains. I know you’re about my age.. How do you feel?”

Slim says, “I feel just like a newborn baby.”

“Really?” Sam asks in disbelief. “Like a newborn baby?”

“Yep,” Slim confirms. “No hair. No teeth. …. And I think I just wet my pants!”

An elderly couple….

…. had dinner at another couple’s house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two gentlemen were talking, and Bob said, “Last night the wife and I went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.”

The other man, Mike, asked, “What is the name of this great new restaurant?”

The first man, Bob, thought and thought and finally asked a question of his own: “Mike, what is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?….You know…. The one that’s red and has a lot of thorns on the stem?”

“Do you mean a rose?” Mike responded.

“Yes, that’s the one,” Bob  replied. He then turned toward the kitchen and yelled loudly, “Hey, Rose! What’s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?”

Hospital regulations….

….require a wheel chair for patients at discharge. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet. The elderly man insisted that he didn’t need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down, I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

“I don’t know,”  the man said. “She’s still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.”

A couple in their nineties….

….are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they’re physically okay, but that they may want to start writing things down to help them remember ……

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. “Want anything while I’m in the kitchen?” he asks.

“Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?” she requests.

“Sure,” her husband answers, “be glad to.”

“Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?’ she asks.

“No,” he quickly cautions. “I can remember it.”

“Well, I’d like some strawberries on top too, she adds. “Maybe you should write it down so as not to forget it?’

“I can remember that much,” he insists. “You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.”

“But I’d also like some whipped cream,” she adds with a sigh. “I’m certain you’ll forget that. Write it down, please.”

Now irritated, the man shoots back with: “I don’t need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream – I got it all for goodness sake!’

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs..

She stares at the plate for a moment.

“Where’s my toast?” She then demands.

A senior citizen….

…. said to his eighty-year old buddy: “So, I hear you’re getting married?’

“Yep!”

“Do I know her?”

“Nope!”

“This woman, your fiancee, is she good looking?”

“Not really”

“Is she a good cook?’

“Nope, she can’t cook worth a flip.”

“Does she have lots of money?”

“No way! She’s poor as a church mouse.”

“Well, then, is she good in bed?’

“I have no idea. She doesn’t believe in sex.”

“Then, c’mon! – Why in the world would you want to marry her?”

“Simple. – She can still drive a car.”

Three old guys….

…. are out walking.

First one says, “Windy, isn’t it?”

Second one says, “No, it’s Thursday!”

Third one says, “So am I. Let’s go grab a beer.”

An old  man was telling his neighbor…,

… “I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it’s state of the art.. It’s perfect.”

“Really?” answered the neighbor. “What kind is it?”

“Twelve thirty..”

82 year-old Morris…

…. went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, “You’re really doing great, aren’t you?”

Morris replied, “Just doing what you said, Doc: “Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.”

The doctor said, ‘I didn’t say that, Morris. – I said, “You’ve got a heart murmur; be careful.”

A little old man….

….shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. – After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, “Crushed nuts?”

“No,” he replied, “Arthritis.”

                                                                  

                                                        

Tags: old people humor

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