The Pecan Park Eagle

Porky Pig could not have said it better. In fact, he could not have said it at all without the late Mel Blanc.

Quoth the Raven,
“Nevermore.”

Edgar Allan Poe

(Westminster Presbyterian Cemetery; Baltimore, Maryland)

Everybody Loves Somebody Sometime

Dean Martin

( Westwood Memorial Cemetery, Los Angeles, California)

That’s All Folks!

Mel Blanc

(Hollywood Memorial Park; Hollywood, California)

I will not be right back after this message.

Merv Griffin

Westwood Memorial Cemetery; Hollywood, California

I have always been impressed by those people who can go out in life with a sense of humble perspective and humor about the end of their various times on earth through their chosen epitaphs of exit. Cartoon voice master Mel Blanc’s “That’s All Folks,” hands down, of course, is my absolute favorite, but game show mogul Merv Griffin runs a close second with his “I will not be right back after this message.”

If you search the available Internet files on epitaphs of the rich and famous, you will find a number of others, along with a lot of missed opportunities for saying goodbye plain and on point in the style of Blanc and Griffin. The problem behind many of these missed opportunities may have been that great blanket of denial we throw over life’s eventual mystical voyage until we absolutely, positively have to make the trip ourselves, but I think families also help get in the way of what gets said about their departing loved one at the hour of death.

Few want to say or do anything that risks the impression of sacrilege or spiritual disrespect for the experience of death. As a result, the perfect statement of truth or identity about the departing soul doesn’t get inscribed for the period of eternity covered by the stone that it’s inscribed upon. See for yourself and you will find many of the famous entertainers, athletes, and public figures you may have enjoyed now shrouded in the language of general sanctimony and sentiment that really make no connection with the public person that most of us recall. These two examples sum it up well: Gangland’s Al Capone was buried with “My Jesus Mercy.” Dracula’s Bela Lugosi (even though he was buried in his famous Dracula tuxedo) bears an epitaph that reads, “Beloved Father.”

With no injury to reputation of these respected deceased intended, here are a few tongue-in-cheek suggestions for epitaphs that might have been a little more memorable for Al Capone, Bela Lugosi, and a few others:

Al Capone: “I was better looking than Edgar G. Robinson.”

Bela Lugosi: “This really sucks.”

Oliver Hardy: “Here’s another fine mess you’ve gotten me into.”

W.C. Fields: “Every time I go out to play golf in Heaven, I always wear a suit with two pair of pants. That’s in case I get a hole in one.”

Texas Governor Rick Perry (for future consideration): “Oops!”

Herman Cain: (more future consideration): “My campaign is not dead. It is. Not. Dead.”

Kim Kardashian (more future thought): “How embarrassing. I never thought this could happen to me.”

If you have some favorite famous people epitaphs, or some you’d like to suggest, please post them in the comment section that follows this column. We could all use an extra expansion of our cool Friday smiles with your help.

Tags: great epitaphs

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