Name That Football Conference

Tom Trimble, Kneeling with Home Plate, plus other members of SABR-based Early Houston Baseball Research Project,

Credit has to go to fellow SABR member Tom Trimble for this idea. In one of our recent online discussions of college football today and the instability of traditional NCAA Division 1 conference alignments, Tom suggested on another link that it might simply be best to reorganize college football into conferences based on some common thread theme. Trimble specified that one group might be called the “Deity Conference” for the sake of, shall we say, ” gracing” the top religious schools in the country. Pick your poisons on that one. For the Deity Conference, how about TCU, SMU, Baylor, Notre Dame, Brigham Young, Wake Forest, and Oral Roberts?

For the beyond-the-Ivy-League based Egghead Conference of schools with very high academic standards who are also attempting and once in a while succeeding at competitive football, how about Stanford, Rice, Tulane, Vanderbilt, Duke, Northwestern, Purdue, and Clemson.

Here’s my favorite idea. I like it because it seems to eliminate the need for the BCS or an expanded playoff system that is more equitable and inclusive of the schools attended by the the growing legions of disgruntled have-notters. This one is so big a thought, however, that we really need to reach beyond the idea of “conference” to properly identify what it is. For the sake of maximizing ideational simplicity and then integrating that base into an actual entity, let’s just call it “The Narcissus Union of Allied Athletic Power Schools.”

The “NUAAPS”  includes only those schools that enter each season with enough money, power, ego, and talent to expect an undefeated season and a national championship every year – and only those who have the gonads to fire any head coach in mid-season who doesn’t seem to get why he was hired in the first place.

The Narcissus Union would include only these Top Ten power schools: Alabama, Florida, LSU, Michigan, Nebraska, Notre Dame, Ohio State, Oklahoma, Texas, and USC (Southern Cal). Anyone who feels they have been unfairly omitted can simply apply to The Union for extended future consideration. Till then, they simply need to join the crowd while the chosen ones either carve up the college football pie into ten fairly cut slices, or else be made available in a winner-takes-all gift-wrapped package at each season’s end.

The benefit to all other colleges and universities is a nice little bottom line booster shot too. While the chosen ten are playing all out for the national championship, everyone else can get back to bringing their admittedly now smaller annual budgets in line with the needs of academic research and student education. It’s a little more difficult selling season tickets to a a double blind drug study than it is season football ducats, but you also save money by not having to build a 100,000 seat drug study fan stadium that also contains luxury boxes.


5 Responses to “Name That Football Conference”

  1. Bob Hulsey Says:

    It’s an interesting concept except you have Notre Dame on there twice. I can see a conference of “we’re waiting for basketball season conference” of Duke, North Carolina, Kansas, Kentucky, UCLA, Syracuse, Indiana, UConn and Louisville. Then there ought to be a Hippie Conference (schools like Oregon, Cal, Colorado, Wisconsin, Minnesota, UMass) where atletics must fit in with extremist left-wing ideologies. You could also have an Ag/Military conference which would include Texas A&M, Virginia Tech, Oklahoma St. New Mexico St., Auburn and the three service academies could play, etc.

    This is kind of fun. And who would need the BCS when the Narcissus Conference champion will simply take the crown?

    • Bill McCurdy Says:


      You have grasped the importance of the Narcissus Union in a mere nanosecond. Win the conference crown in this case and you take home the National Championship in the same single swoop, with no bothersome need for a BCS title game – and in pleasant and much deserved separation from the redundant groans of the whining and needy have-not crowd.

      As for other ideas, don’t worry about overlapping mention, this is simply another way to go. – How about organizing things around common mascot ground. The Tiger Conference could include Auburn, LSU, Missouri, Princeton, Texas Southern, Memphis, Clemson, East Texas Baptist, and DePauw. (OK, I’m not even sure if DePauw has a football team, but regardless, the winner is an easy pick. It’s LSU by a big scratch of all the other striped pretenders. Things will be much tougher for LSU among the nine mates of the also proposed Narcissist Union.)

      Oh yeah! I like that Hippie Conference you proposed too.

  2. Tom Trimble Says:

    Sorry, but don’t we already have the Narcissus Conference? It’s camoflaged, however, as the BCS — Big Cocky Schools!

  3. David Munger Says:

    Come on now don’t be HATERS…How long ago was
    it when The University of Houston was paying their
    Football Players higher salaries than THE HOUSTON OILERS.
    Geaux Tigers…….Open the Drawer Bill Yeoman…..

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