Friday Morning Lights

You don't have to be an astrologist to predict the near future fortunes of the Houston Astros..

Puns are fun and today we have some good ones, thanks largely to a list sent to me last night from good friends John and Lori Crider. Except for a few amusing lines that have been resting in my mind for centuries, most of these contributions come to us today from the Criders.

It’s Friday Morning Lights time – time to sit back in lightness and light for the sake of cruising into the weekend on max-relax speed with a smile on your lips and a chicory kick in your coffee.

Roll these puns over your funny bones like warm buttered oil and prepare yourself to be fried by “we laughed til we cried” – or, at least, until we groan.

Humor is a contact sport. So, be a good sport above all. Allow the plays on words to make contact with the side of you that wants to jump for joy and happiness in the nano-second it takes to reach home plate a flick of the eye faster than that usually deadly downer throw from life’s left field. It’s like we’re up against a team of tormenting demons that are always conspiring to smash hope with the unpleasant news of life that daily assaults us through the headlines of our electronic and print-form sources – and loudly too from the screaming minds of television’s talking heads.

“You gotta accentuate the positive. Eliminate the negative. Latch on to the affirmative. And don’t mess with Mr. In Between.” – Songwriter Johnny Mercer.

Thanks again to John and Lori Crider,  here are a few offerings on the side of positive accentuation:

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.  He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: ‘You stay here; I’ll go on a head.’

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger.  Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it’s your vote that counts.  In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.

21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons.  The stewardess looks at him and says, ‘I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.’

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall.  One turns to the other and says ‘Dam!’

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.  Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet.  One says, ‘I’ve lost my electron.’  The other says ‘Are you sure?’  The first replies, ‘Yes, I’m positive.’

25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocaine during a root canal?  His goal: transcend dental medication.

26. The toilet was stolen from the small police station’s only bathroom. The cops have nothing to go on.

27. That did the number “0” say to the number “8”? … “Nice belt!”

28. She was only a stableman’s daughter, but all the horsemen knew her.

29. What do you call a previously owned Volvo? Easy one. It’s called a Revolvo.

30. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.  No pun in ten did.




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