The Pecan Park Eagle

If Kids Were Like Football Referees and Could Throw Penalty Flags at Home …

If American kids were like American football referees and could throw the penalty flag on their parents whenever they felt wronged, here’s how a few penalty terms would re-translated into everyday life at home:

(1) Encroachment: “Mom, you came into my room to search through my stuff without asking my permission. That’s going to cost you 15 hours of cooperation.”

(2) Unnecessary Roughness: “Dad, you came home and spanked me for drinking your last beer after Mom had already grounded me for the afternoon on the same charge. That offense is going to cost you one mowed lawn this coming Saturday morning.”

(3) Off Sides: “Sis, you leaned too far to the left at dinner tonight and ate my apple pie when I wasn’t looking. Next time you come home late through a window, don’t expect me to cover for you.”

(4) Pass Interference: “Dad, you knocked me down just as I was about to catch the keys from my brother and take the car downtown on the getaway.” Just for that, no car wash for you.”

(5) Intentional Grounding: “Just for trying to take the car without your permission, you sent me to my room for the weekend – and you did it on purpose too. Just don’t bother me. I’ll be texting and Tweeting to the world about how unfair you are.”

(6) Illegal Use of the Hands: “Grabbing me by the hair and throwing me against the wall for what I just said was uncalled for. – I’m calling CPS.”

…. Wait a minute! ….. The parents are grabbing the red flag from the kid! …. And they are throwing down a penalty flag of their own:

(1) Delay of Game: Son, as a result of all the things that your previous penalties upon us say about you, our parenting, and our family life, we have decided upon the following measures:

(1a): You, your brother, and your sister will immediately turn over to us all your cell phones, Internet-wired computers, iPads, Game Boys, radios, music playing devices, and credit cards;

(1b): You will cancel and desist from all of your current social plans until we can figure out if a genuinely loving and trusting relationship with each other as a family is even possible;

(1c): We will enter into an intensive plan for family therapy on all the issues that keep us from being the strong American family we always hoped we would be;

(1d): We now see that strong families cannot be bought with bigger houses, more cars, more electronic stuff, or with kids calling the shots on what we do next;

(1e): The game of life for our family must be delayed until, if and when, we come up with a winning family script; and,

(1f): If we cannot save our families without changing the culture of excess, than we had better change the culture before it destroys the kinds of families that got us through several major wars and one consuming Great Depression.

We can only wish that the examples parodied in this column were not so prevalent today, but they are this bad, and far worse, in many cases. If we don’t seek active solutions, in the Name of God, who will?

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