The Pecan Park Eagle

Margaret Dumont: "How impertinent of you, Sir! I've never been so insulted in my life!" Groucho Marx: "Relax, Madam! The evening's young!"

Wise guy comebacks are best remembered when they land in one-line form. They are the essence of intimidating wit and all sustaining comedy over time. They are the lines that somehow speak for all of us as the statements we wish we had thought of or said ourselves in our own behalf. They are that way because they truly belong to all of us. Our laughter as the audience serves as proof.

Bob Hope, Jack Benny, and Groucho Marx were masters of the one-liner wise guy comeback. Here are examples of each using the one-line comeback to greatest advantage:

Bob Hope (From the 1940 movie “Ghostbreakers”) Bob is asking fellow actor Richard Carlson about zombies):

Richard Carlson: “A zombie has no will of his own. He walks around blindly with those dead eyes, following orders, not knowing what to do, not caring.”

Bob Hope: “You mean like Democrats?”

Jack Benny (From his 1940s radio program, I’ve remembered this one for sixty years):

Armed Robber: “Your money or your life!”

Jack Benny: (arms raised and silent)

Armed Robber: “I SAID – YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE!”

Jack Benny: “I’m thinking! I’m thinking!”

Groucho Marx (from an interview after one of his divorces):

Interviewer: “What does the California community property law mean to you now that you’re getting divorced?”

Groucho Marx: “It means that she now gets to live off the property and I now get to live off the community.”

Priceless stuff.

Even we everyday people have our moments. The first one for me that comes to personal memory happened when I was 16 and working as a  shelf stocker at the old A&P Grocery Store that used to operate in the Houston East End near the intersection of Lawndale at 75th:

Matronly Customer: “Young man, can you tell me where I might find the all day suckers?”

Grocery Clerk (me): “Yes, Madam, you’re talking to one of them!”

I almost got fired. The customer cracked up with laughter and I then did take her to the aisle and shelf that contained the wrapped version she wanted, but I wasn’t aware that my boss had been standing in the next aisle and heard the whole brief exchange. He told me that it was lucky for me that the customer laughed because, otherwise, I was about to be fired for my “Smart Aleck” remark – and would be, if I ever did it again. I didn’t, but I did do other things of that nature on my road to whatever state of adult maturity I actually achieved over time.

The most recent personal example unfolded last night. It’s what “inspired” me to write this piece this morning and, as per usual, this opportunity came literally knocking at my door about 7:00 PM Friday evening.

The knock sent our dogs into their worst snarling, barking mode as I made my way from my study to see who was at the door. Through the window, I could see that it was a young high school kid. He was dressed in a white shirt and tie and I presume he had come to sell me magazines for the sake of some locally worthy cause. Our conversation never got that far, thanks to the opening he gave me for early termination. I support a lot of causes, but none of them are items I’ve purchased at the front door. To me, door-to-door sales are the “spam of 3-D life.”

I will leave you with my short report of this easy set-up exchange. If the young man was smart, he changed his script before he knocked on any more doors:

Door Opens …

Enthusiastic Student Salesman: “You must be the king of the house!”

Grumpy Wizened Resident: “That’s correct, I am the king here, but you will have to excuse me for  now. I was on my way to the throne when you rang the doorbell!”

The student left and never returned. Only the postman rings twice, or so they say. I’ve never quite understood the meaning of that old movie title. Even my postman never rings twice when I tell him I’m on my way to the throne.